Full Disclosure

I'm rather proud of this mash-up

2010-01-13T11:21:00.002-05:00

What is love?

Love is patient, love is kind
Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Love does not envy or boast;
It is not arrogant or rude.
Or bend with the remover to remove.
It does not insist on its own way;
It is not irritable or resentful.
O no, it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth’s unknown, although his height be taken.
Love’s not Time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle’s compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
Love never fails.

Baby don’t hurt me.

(With deep gratitude and apologies to The Apostle Paul, William Shakespeare, and Haddaway.)

I really don't know...

2009-10-24T07:21:00.004-04:00

For some reason I feel compelled to write about economics, which I have very, very, very little understanding of. So. Yeah. I'm likely going to say things that are inaccurate. But I completely own the fact that I could be wrong. These are just thoughts I had and I wonder if anyone else has had them.

So, trickle-down economics says that we give tax cuts or money or opportunity to people and/or businesses at the top of the food chain. They use their money to invent new products, to expand their production, to invest in other businesses. As a result, more people have jobs and eventually they can put their money back into the economy by purchasing the products they are helping to make. Right?

Giving the money and/or tax cuts to the people at the bottom of the food chain is seen as not effective for the expansion of business etc. because the people with the ability to do so aren't willing to put their money into production, expansion, hiring, etc. because they have higher tax rates and the like.

The benefit eventually flows down the system to the little guy who sees an improvement in standard of living. And I have heard that in the past it has been effective, but not in time to get a president re-elected - so it takes years.

This is my understanding of trickle-down econ. It could be wrong. If it is, please instruct me!

Here is my question: why not go the other way? Why not give the benefit to the little guy first? If the little guy can pay off his debts, he will feel more secure about spending money and putting it back into the system. She will buy more, and will be able to buy the things she really wants to buy. Companies who make things that people want will gain the profits from those sales. Capitalism will be at work. Eventually the money will trickle UP the system so that the companies who are good at what they do and make products that people want to buy (as opposed to the companies that can get the tax breaks etc.) will benefit and can put their profits into research and development, expansion, hiring etc. In the mean time, increased sales means more people need to work, so more people get jobs. These people who now have jobs can more confidently put their money into the system, and the benefits increase exponentially.

This way seems to reward the businesses that do the best job, who are the best at customer care, and who are innovative at working with what they've got. Which seems very "American way" to me.

Trickle-down econ may work in the long run, but until those benefits make it down to the bottom of the food chain, the majority of the people do not benefit. The big guy benefits.

On the other hand, if you give the money to the little guy first, only the companies with the money on hand to begin with will be able to compete for those dollars that are now going into the system. So bottom-up econ may not work either - I don't know.

But it seems that in this age of a Global Economy, everything is so complex that I don't think anyone can say with 100% confidence that their way is RIGHT. The world is just too complex. There are too many variables. And true experiments are impossible and/or unethical.

So yeah. If I'm wrong, I'm willing to hear it. But know this: I've heard about economists on both sides of a given issue be completely confident in their diametrically opposed viewpoints. So I guess I'm skeptical of the whole thing...

I wrote these thoughts down at work today which I may or may not revise at a later time::

2009-07-23T23:02:00.003-04:00

What am I willing to give up to get a Ph.D.?

Time with friends?

Time online?

Time @church?

sleep?

tv/movies?

So far, the answer has been: nothing. I do not want the Ph.D. enough to sacrifice these other things.

So why am I here? I do like to teach. I feel comfortable when I teach. I slip into it so easily. I lose track of time and m problems. I feel like it is one of those things I was made to do.

But I am not made to do the Ph.D.. I am able to do it, technically. I have the intelligence, skills and resources to get it done. Just not the desire or willpower. And not having it done and not wanting to work on it rather makes me miserable.

I didn't count the cost very well before coming here, but do I regret it?

My experiences here have formed me into the person I am now. And I like that person - the vast majority of the time. I'm not perfect, but I am comfortable & happy with who I've become. and the potential for who I have become.

I have made the best friends of my life here. Not some of. THE. BEST. And I don't think I would have met them otherwise.

I have also gotten teaching experience & support. I am not sure I can do justice to the sigh of relief I felt when I started teaching. All through high school and college I had this niggling thought that I was meant for something & I hadn't found it yet. I had no idea where to go next, what to aim for. And my college advisor helped me uncover my love of teaching and sent me to someone else who helped me aim for UNH & a career teaching college. Once I started, I felt way more fulfilled in who I am.

So no, I don't regret the major steps that have brought me here.

Wants and needs

2009-06-27T22:25:00.003-04:00

I am so dissatisfied with my life right now. I'm so jealous of where other people are and what they have. And I don't know how to change any of it.

I don't have grand ambitions. I don't want to be a well-known researcher, win lots of awards, and be a revered professor. I don't want to be President or Senator or Representative at any level of the system. I don't want a recording contract or a major book deal. I don't want to show up in magazines and have everyone know my name.

I just want a husband. I want to love and be loved. To have children and raise them to love and be loved. I want a quiet, content life.

I know that there are many, many people who love me and who I love. But they have their own families, their own significant others, their own vacations and jobs and lives. My life intersects with theirs at certain points and for certain times, but there is no one who is mine and whose I am. So none of that seems to count.

And tonight, as the tears stream down my face and my hands shake sometimes from all this raw emotion, it's all I want. It seems like all I need to get through another day. And I don't have it.

Ah, spring...

2009-06-05T22:56:00.002-04:00

Sometimes, I am reminded very suddenly that I am single.

When I am occupied, when I am busy, when I am doing something, life is good. Dating vs. single doesn't matter. My life is good. I am fine.

But then something simple will distract me and remind me of what I'm missing out on.

And my stomach will drop 3 floors down. Into a space that doesn't even exist.

Tiller

2009-05-31T22:46:00.003-04:00

George Tiller's murder saddens and disgusts me.

I mourn.

I mourn that a man was killed. I mourn that he was killed in his church - a place associated by many with safety and refuge.

I mourn that this murder will only serve to polarize the views of the majority of the people who hear about it.

I mourn that so much that brings grief is done in the name of God - my God. So much that I think is antithetical to His Name and word.

I am disgusted that so many are rejoicing at his death. I am disgusted at the crass, vulgar, inhumane, and hateful way they show their "love" of life.

I am disgusted that this event will give ammunition to those who despise those they label as anti-choice.

I can understand the passion that both sides of the abortion issue hold. I do not understand the violence that takes place as a result of this disagreement.

And that's all that I can put words to tonight.

May tomorrow bring grace.

(His mercies are new every morning)

May tomorrow bring peace and gentle, respectful conversation.

Two lists

2009-05-29T14:59:00.003-04:00

What I would like to do with the rest of my day:

Make and eat mini-place-and-bake-cookies, because they are nom nom good.
Watch 'Dial M for Murder,' which came from Netflix.
Watch 'Wall*E,' which I bought for cheap the other day.
Finish "Girl Meets God," which was a gift from a friend and I am half-way through.
Eat a delicious meal prepared by other hands, which I cannot afford right now.

What I should do with the rest of my day:

Clean the toilet.
Put away the dishes I just washed when they dry.
Decipher my adviser's handwriting and make changes to the proposal chapter I finally got back from her.
Change my address with a few remaining agencies/publications.

List #1 would be more fun.

List #2 would be more grown-up.

*sigh*

on torture

2009-05-12T22:40:00.003-04:00

One of the gifts my parents gave me was the fact that they meant what they said. When they said bring up your grades or you'll be punished, they meant it. I didn't bring up my History grade, and so I was punished. When they said "I love you," I knew they meant it.

Stephen Colbert says that he won't let his kids watch his show so that when he tells them that he loves them, they won't think he's being sarcastic. (See this interview at 3 minutes in.) To me, it's the same principle, and it's a very important gift to give your children.

As an adult, I want people to mean what they say. I use sarcasm sometimes, and I may even fall back on it too often, but I hope that the people in my life believe me when I say the important, and even not too important things.

I want justice to be upheld. I want to know that the law has power. I want to know that the justice system will work for me, my parents, my sisters, my future children, and everyone I love. I want to know that when a law, and its corresponding punishment, is written, voted on, and enacted, it has power. It means what it says.

"Here is what you should do.

Here is what will happen if you don't."

"Here is what you should not do.

Here is what will happen if you do."

This is why I believe that those that ordered, authorized, and justified torture should be investigated, prosecuted, and punished if found guilty.

Because if those laws, agreements, conventions, and standards of decency do not mean what they say for those at the highest levels of our government and military, then they have no meaning for the rest of us.

And I am not OK with that.

(To say nothing of the fact that I am not OK with torture at all. )

I want to live in a country in which it is possible to be an idealist, and not to have to resort to defeatism and disillusionment.

and now...

2009-05-03T01:53:00.002-04:00

I can't sleep for fear/in anticipation of a re-run of last night's dream.

frick.

I've got Dumbledore running through my head - "It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live."

Of course, it could be caffeine. But that seems too easy of an explanation.

last night

2009-05-02T10:00:00.003-04:00

In my dream, he was in charge of organizing a fireworks display.
While he was telling me about how they wanted a 2 hour show, the fireworks company could only do an hour and a half, and how many people they were expecting, and about the busses to bring people from their cars to the waterfront, I suddenly realized that my arm was draped around his neck and his hand was holding mine, and oh, his hands are soft, and my, it feels nice to be pulled against his side like this, and those butterflies in my stomach get agitated when he looks at me like this, and why don't I just rest my head on his arm, and yes, even though this is a dream, that sounds JUST LIKE his voice.

oh no.

this is only a dream.

rewind. play.

soak in every detail. revel in this feeling, for you will wake up to an empty house and the memory of the boy who held your hand, in a dream.

(I'm pretty good at emo, huh?)

Shopping List

2009-04-22T12:57:00.002-04:00

I filled out a rental application for the beautiful big girl apartment I really want today.

I am 99% sure I will get it.

I am EXCITED!!

So I'm making a shopping list for things I will need/want for the new place:

2 Large Rubbermaid containers for the basement, which is apparently kind of damp
wet jet solution for hardwood floors
laundry detergent for efficient washing machines, which my generous mother is getting me!
window treatments
welcome mat
shower mat
kitchen trash can
sweater storage
winter coat storage (maybe a stand alone closet for the basement?)

I'M SO EXCITED!

Design

2009-04-20T23:23:00.004-04:00

Last night's dream had my subconscious turn me into a research designer, librarian, manager of a cubicle farm, writer for Gossip Girl, set designer, prom committee chair, lesbian, summer camp director, creator of new species of strawberries that grow underwater (gross!), and book cover designer.

The book cover was so vivid that I feel like I should produce it for some future author that wants to write a book called 'Petites.' It would be an exposé of the lives of teenage socialites. (Why one would want to write this book I'm not sure. Isn't that why we have Us Weekly and the like?)

It's a simple cover. Black background. Vertical stripes - very thin, bright rainbow colors. The title and author info are printed in the middle. (A block of the stripes is cut out.) The text is white, very delicate, and in something like Futura font. But thinner. Lighter. Delicate-er. There is significant space between the letters, and they are all in caps - the title anyway. I don't remember the (fictional) author's name.

So there you have it. Someone with design programs could probably pop that out easily. And I would be attracted to that cover. So. I might buy that book. Because, let's face it. I judge books (partially) based on their covers.

Easter!

2009-04-08T10:34:00.004-04:00

Easter is coming!

So some friends of mine have made their top ten Easter traditions posts.

Easter was never a HUGE deal with my family growing up - we didn't do Easter baskets or find eggs on Easter morning, but I'll see what I can do to knock out my own list (in no particular order).

Starburst jellybeans. So delicious. So juicy.
White straw (i think) hats. We had a couple of Easter hats when I was little. I remember one Easter when I got to wear my favorite dress (a white one with smocking my mom made me) and one of the hats. I was very excited. There's a slide (as in sit around the projector and look at slides together) of the three of us in hats and our pretty dresses. This was during my super-girly phase. There might even have been gloves.
Choir specials. The church I grew up in and the one I spent most of college going to had pretty darn good choirs. My senior year in college, in particular, the choir music was SO AMAZING. It lifted me right out of my seat. I love a good choir special.
The beginning of Spring. I appreciate the timing of Easter so much more now that I live in New England and cannot see the ground for the 4 months leading up to Easter. I love the color green, that it represents life, and that it reappears at Easter time.
Coloring eggs. For many of my elementary school years, we would go to Knoxville to visit Grandma and Grandpa for Easter. We would color eggs, hide them in the den, find them, and then repeat the process over and over. After a while, we got my aunt and uncle to hide the eggs because we were using the same hiding places over and over and it was getting too easy. To this day, the smell of vinegar reminds me of coloring eggs.
Shevenell home group Easter day. My home group is the core of my New Hampshire family. My first Easter in grad school, they invited me to join the four of them for Easter dinner. It felt so much like home - nerd parents and two little sisters, one more talkative than the other. The following years it has turned into a gigantic pot-luck, followed by desserts galore, quick nap/rest time, family walk, game time, and then home group meeting. We celebrate Easter ALL DAY LONG!
Oooh! Children's choir. My current church usually has a children's choir on Easter Sunday. All the adorable little kids in their Easter best, belting out songs about Jesus. SO CUTE. (Gina, please tell me Louisa will participate in a few years!)
Lent. This year I actually participated in Lent - to a degree. It was my first Lenten experience. I know that some people don't believe that we should mourn Christ's death when he is risen, and I can see the reasoning behind that. So my Lent practices were not to make me suffer or mourn, but more to help me be aware of things that I know I should think about, but normally don't. It's kind of an attention-getter for me. And I think it was good for me. It's nice to have a special time to do the things you always mean to do, but somehow don't always get to. Like saying 'I love you' on Valentine's Day. You always mean it, but sometimes forget to say it because the cares of life get in the way.
Cadbury eggs. I am not a huge fan anymore, but this was the one way my mom would celebrate Easter (commercially) when we were little and WOW I enjoyed them then. So messy. (Halloween is marked with candy corn and candy pumpkins, Christmas with red & green m&m's and Dove promises. Daddy gets us Whitman Sampler hearts for V Day.)
Pastel m&m's. They DO have little bunnies printed on them.

Candy sure does seem important for my celebration of major holidays. Also, I'm running out of ideas. Like I said, Easter wasn't a huge momentous thing for us growing up. Not like Christmas is. I'll do a top 20 list for Christmas. :)

things I have accomplished today:

2009-03-30T19:14:00.004-04:00

Got up when the alarm went off (ish)
Started work at 9am
Sudoku
Crossword puzzle
Laundry
Meeting
Gym
Put 3 articles into my chapter (!!!)
Ate some leftovers

And I hate to leave it at 9 things, but that's all I've got.

And it's only 7:17!!

Enterprise

2009-03-26T22:36:00.005-04:00

There is a city in southeastern Alabama named Enterprise. Back in the day, the economic/agricultural livelihood of the city was from cotton, like a good bit of Alabama. Then one year the Boll Weevil came to town. And ate all the cotton.

In response to this devastation, the people of Enterprise decided to switch their main crop over to peanuts. And everyone lived happily ever after.

Especially the boll weevil, who got a statue made in his honor.

See?

I went to school at Auburn University. At Auburn, Homecoming is a BIG DEAL. Pretty much everything to do with football is.

The ladies that want to be homecoming queen go through (what I consider to be) a trying ordeal. They spend the week leading up to the vote walking around in a dress suit, surrounded by a posse (who are all also wearing suits), soliciting votes. They design cards to win votes, and these are actually highly sought after because they have coupons to local restaurants on the back. They also make a giant version of the cards and prop them up in trucks and park them downtown all week (apparently the ticket ladies respect this sacred tradition). All this craziness and I never cared.

Until...

2002 when Amy Beth Hulsey (Biomedical Sciences major)* ran. She was from Enterprise. Her card was pink. I don't particularly care for the shade of pink she used. So I was even less likely to vote for her. But then I read her slogan.

"Vote for Amy Beth! She's Unbollweevable!!"

I was sold. I think that was the only time I voted for Homecoming Queen.

She won, of course.

---------------------------

*I think this is the right one. I couldn't find a chronological listing to triple check.

Also, this post is dedicated to Gina Henker.

Purge

2009-03-24T22:35:00.002-04:00

I am planning on moving in about 2 months.

I don't have a place lined up, because apparently that's not how they do things up here. You look, you sign a lease, and move in all in one week. Or something like that.

I'm really looking forward to this move. Really.

I can't wait to make a cozy home for myself. Just for me! No compromises, no awkward dance over how to load the dishwasher, no putting up with someone else's art or taste in music.

I am also really excited to purge my belongings of the things that I don't need or even really want. And to organize the things I want to or should keep.

Really excited.

I'm somewhat of a pack-rat/magpie. I keep things around for a while, and I tend to compulsively buy 'shiny' things. But lately I have been thinking about simplicity. I have been craving simplicity.

I want simplicity because I want to have a comfortable home with a place for everything, and everything in its place. And since I want a one bedroom apartment, and I'm a graduate student, that place will be small. I want to have what I need and no more.

I want to HAVE simplicity - to carry it around with me - because I want to have the freedom to say no when I face the temptation to buy the newest cleaning phenomenon, that same shirt in 5 different colors, another purse, or the trinkets that somehow make it into my shopping cart.

I want to be free from my possessions. I want order.

Thus, the purge. Eliminate what I don't need. Organize what I do.

Because really, it comes down to trust. Do I trust that God will provide for what I need? Or do I think that I need to get it all for myself? Instead of holding onto things and grabbing for whatever catches my eye, I should be clinging to God and reaching out for His riches. When I do that, I get the best of both worlds - spiritual glory and earthly necessities.

Goals check-in

2009-03-15T22:50:00.004-04:00

What-ho!

Given that it is half way through March, I thought this would be as good a time as any to check in on my February goals...

They were:

Finish Harry Potter #5
Project365 & BibleYear
Try 3 new recipes
Run at least 12 times
Don't buy any CD's, mp3's, DVD's or books

I have now completed all of the Harry Potters, so that goal = check.

I have continued with my two every-day-for-a-year goals, so check.

I lose track of which recipes I tried when, but I have definitely been cooking for myself more than I did in 2008. I'm going to call this one a check.

I got a cold and got lazy so I have NOT been exercising much. So that goal = blarg

I didn't buy any new media! Not even since March started! so that one = check.

I didn't make any new goals for March. I was lost in other things at the time, I guess.

I did, however, make some commitments for Lent this year. I grew up in a Southern Baptist church. I don't know if all SB churches do it this way, but ours never mentioned Lent. So my exposure to that part of the church calendar has been relatively recent.

For some reason, I felt compelled to observe Lent somehow this year, and I was thinking about what that should look like for me when my pastor gave a sermon on the historical reasons and components of Lent.

According to my pastor, Lent should include three things:

Almsgiving (giving to poor)
Prayer
Fasting

So with that guide, and the ideas and themes that I had been musing over, I plotted out a roadmap for my observation of Lent. Also according to my pastor, Lent is to be between each person and God. So while I have told a close friend or two about my commitments to hold me accountable, I haven't broadcast my goals, and I don't want to here either. But I do want to say that I have been contemplating simplicity in a materialistic society this year. If you have any insights on living so that your camel could make it through the needle's eye here and now, I would love to hear them!

Comment away!

WWJD

2009-03-02T09:58:00.003-05:00

This past weekend I watched Lars and The Real Girl, which I had been curious about since I saw a trailer for it about a year ago.

The punch line of the story is that Lars treats a life-size, realistic, sex doll like a real person and his girlfriend. Her name is Bianca. The family doctor, who has training in psychiatry, advises Lars's (Lars' ?) brother and sister-in-law to play along. They agree, the brother reluctantly, and visit his church to make the priest and leadership aware of the situation and ask for their help. The leadership, made up of several old people, have a problem with a sex doll and begin to refuse. One spunky lady tries to convince them that it's no different from pretending that one guy's wife wasn't a kleptomaniac etc. and then the priest, wisely speaks up and asks "What would Jesus do?"

Lars and Bianca (the sex doll) are in church on Sunday.

The rest of the movie is about the whole town playing along with Lars as he works out his issues with being an active member of a community and family.

The whole thing could have easily been a farce, a harsh, unkind treatment of people with delusions. Instead, we see a family, a church, a community, a person come together with compassion. Each person faces some of their own struggles when confronted with Lars and Bianca, and each person manages to come out on the other side a better version of themselves.

I highly recommend it.

frankie

2009-02-18T10:16:00.005-05:00

I want a dog.

I want a dog so badly that when I see one out and about, I begin the high-pitch-talking and the drooling one usually associates with my desire to have a baby. I think I will name it Frankie.

My roommate of 3 years, Bethany, has had Ava for about as long as we have lived together, and she will be leaving me, and taking the dog with her, at some point this summer. I will be sad. Ava and I cuddle and play together. She greats me with much enthusiasm and gives me doggy kisses.

And then we watched a bit of the Westminster Dog Show. Oh the dogs! Oh the Purina adopt-a-dog commercials!

So, I have been looking at dog breeds online lately when I should be working. There are so many things to consider! How much money am I willing/able to pay? How much time am I willing to spend grooming, exercising, cleaning up after and training the dog? Where will I live - will I need a dog tolerant of cold AND heat? Will I have a yard that I can let the dog run around in, or will I need to take it on long walks every day?

All these questions, and the only answer I have figured out for sure is that I want a small dog. I do NOT want a purse dog - let's be clear, but I do want a dog small enough for me to pick up when necessary, and not large enough to knock anyone over. Ava is pretty much the perfect size for that. She also does not shed much. Major bonus.

So. Dozens (if not hundreds) of dog breeds out there. Any suggestions, dog lovers?

in my dreams

2009-02-16T08:50:00.002-05:00

I am on medication that makes me have crazy, detailed, vivid dreams. Sometimes they are disturbing - like when I had my little sister with me on my honeymoon - other times they are just crazy - like when I worked at Best Buy and a guy had a heart attack, so I went to taco bell to get his wife a custom taco. Over the past month I have had more and more dreams that involve a certain male. They would make a great preteen romance story. Lots of significant looks and comments that need to be analyzed and discussed with one's friends.

But last night, something happened in dream world that pushed us over the edge from significant looks and possibly-meaningful comments to an actual acknowledgement of feelings and the beginning of a relationship. It was rather sweet. He seemed surprised by the possibility of me - like he had never considered it but thought it was the most wonderful idea ever. (Is that a good thing or not?) I wrote him a letter that made him happy. He chose seats next to me, sat very close, and put his arm around me. I changed my facebook status to say we were in a relationship, worried that it was too soon, but he loved it.

And then I woke up.

At least I made it through Valentine's Day sans self-pity and depression.

dying to self

2009-02-08T21:08:00.003-05:00

Some people are easy to love.

Some people are hard to love.

I'm not talking about romantic love here - I'm talking about the love that will listen to the happy stories, the funny stories, the sad stories, and the painful stories equally willingly. I'm talking about the love that values you as a human. Period. I'm talking about the love that will spend 3 hours to take you to and from the doctor's office. I'm talking about the love that passes over quirks and flaws to see the personality beneath.

There are some people whose quirks are so prominent that they can fill your vision, if you let them, so that it is impossible to see and love the human beneath. There are some people who seem so needy that it tires me to even think about helping them, loving them. I would rather stick to loving and helping the people in my immediate circle of friends - people I already know and love. But this is not how The Body is to work. This is not how The Body is supposed to behave. This is not how The Body is supposed to relate to each other.

Scripture teaches us that we are to love sacrificially, as Jesus did. I can tell myself this over and over, as I have done. I can preach to myself, I can reason with myself, I can make myself feel guilty for not doing things, but this will not be enough. It is only through the transformation of my heart that I can love like this. And it is only through divine intervention that my heart will be transformed.

So the question is, am I brave enough to ask for it?

Cooking

2009-02-08T17:13:00.003-05:00

I have tried my first new recipe for this month: Chicken with Roasted Sweet Potatoes.

It was very tasty! The combination of sweet potato, red onion, spinach, and lime juice was very interesting, and (a little unexpectedly) quite good!

I made the following adjustments/observations:

I had to nuke the sweet potatoes after peeling them so that I could slice them, and I think that cut down on the roasting time a bit
I didn't need to use an entire bag of spinach (which said it was 4 cups)
I don't think it reheats well.

But you know, when Real Simple says that something is an easy dinner, they're right!

February goals

2009-02-02T09:53:00.002-05:00

Finish Harry Potter #5
Project365 & BibleYear
Try 3 new recipes
Run at least 12 times
Don't buy any CD's, mp3's, DVD's or books

January Goals Check-in

2009-01-30T09:26:00.004-05:00

To review, my 6 goals were:

Write draft of motivation section of proposal
Buy NO more clothes
Continue with Project365
Continue with BibleYear
Try 3 new recipes (first one tonight, have ingredients for second)
Go to the gym at least 9 times (3x a week for remaining 3 weeks)

I am proud to report that I have met 5 out of 6!

Guess which one I didn't meet...

I did read several articles on motivation this month, meeting all of the weekly goals that I set, but I couldn't manage to sit down and write the draft. But I did meet with my advisor yesterday, and she gave me a two week goal of doing an annotated bibliography/outline for that section. I can do that.

I think my favorite goal was the food-related one. I did try 3 new recipes (Tuscan Turkey & Beans, Southwestern Bean Medley served over rice, and Orecchiette with Roasted Broccoli and Walnuts). They were all very tasty. I would recommend doing the Bean Medley for when you won't have many leftovers. It's good, but if you eat it every day for a week, it gets old. And I would recommend steaming the broccoli half way before roasting it - the stalks started to turn black.

I'm most proud of the working out goal. I am going to go for the 9th time in just a few minutes, and I feel better about working out than any other get-fit-season in my life. By the end of the year, I hope that running will come naturally to me, and I won't have to make it a goal to meet.

thoughts on being robbed at planet fitness

2009-01-26T14:40:00.002-05:00

All in all, I'm a fairly trusting person. It is automatic for me to lock the car when I get out, but other than that, if I need to leave a door unlocked so that someone can get something out of our house, or pick up the dog, I'm ok with that. I figure, who's going to steal from two graduate students? Really, you want our collection of games? Or our cheap dvd player/big box television? Really? You would break the law for that? If you're going to rob my house, breaking one of the many ground level windows would do the job. Locking the door probably won't help much.

With lockers at the gym, I usually keep pants and/or a jacket, and my cheap-o bag. The locker room is fairly busy, there are lots of lockers used without locks, and I've never heard of complaints before...So I usually stash my stuff, close the door and leave, trusting that no one will open a locker that isn't theirs, or that the other women in the room will notice someone rummaging through my things and say something.

And statistically speaking, what are the chances that MY home/locker would be picked out of all the ones in this town/locker room?

But today, my locker was defiled. Someone opened my locker, moved aside my pants, rummaged through my bag, found my wallet, took the cash, and then put things back. I didn't discover it till I had gotten home, and the gym has a no liability policy, so there is no hope of getting the money back.

And it was my fun money for the next month or so. It's not like I was going to use it to pay bills or buy groceries. Maybe to see a movie or get some Taco Bell...but nothing vital. So I haven't lost anything of major importance.

Except my rosy view of my fellow woman. My naivety. My belief that I am too unimportant to steal from. And that's the part that upsets me the most.

23 Things

2009-01-18T18:31:00.004-05:00

I got tagged by one of my old nerd camp friends! (Hi, Fumiko!)

So.

Things about me.

I really like how I feel when I manage a good run. Yesterday I got 4 miles total, running for half the time. It felt really good.
On the other hand, I don't like building up to the good runs. And I'm pretty good about rationalizing NOT running if I feel tired or am sick.
I recently started using www.dailymile.com to log my runs. And by recently, I mean last week. It's making me want to run a lot so I can log a lot of runs. :) Feel free to be my friend on the site. We can motivate each other!
My favorite art museum that I have visited is the Museum of Fine Art in Boston. It has many different types and sources of art, it is large enough to take a whole day, if you want, and small enough to not be too intimidating. They change things often enough that I always find something new, but there is enough that seems familiar to be comforting to go back.
My love of the MFA may be linked to my love of Boston itself. Boston is definitely large enough to be full of diversity and culture, but small enough that I love to walk around by myself. I'm not intimidated by it.
I am rather intimidated by NYC.
I love teaching. I lose track of time while teaching, in some ways. I know when we've been going long enough for one class somehow, but it never feels like a full 50 or 80 min to me.
I don't think about my problems while I'm teaching. That part especially rocks.
I got an iHome speaker/iPod dock for Christmas this year and my remote battery is already dead.
Cool thing I saw online: there's a lady who interviews people after near-death incidents like the Hudson river plane thing. She says that people usually behave very calmly during things like that. I find that very intriguing.
The thought of getting a tattoo seems less impossible to me lately than it used to.
I love argyle socks. Especially knee-high argyles.
I started re-reading the Harry Potter books over break. I read the first four in quick succession. I am back in NH now, and reading #5. It's probably my least favorite because Harry is so emo and cranky the whole time, and I can't seem to get into it as easily as I did with the others. I am really looking forward to the last two though.
The first time I read the last book, I cried. Frequently.
I would really like to go back to Nassau, to my formerly orchard hotel. It has a pool, kitchenettes, snorkeling equipment to borrow, and a you cross the road and you're at the beach.
I re-read books, re-watch movies, and apparently want to re-visit vacations.
Re-doing something is comforting to me. Familiar ground. I know the lay of the land, so I am more at ease to truly experience it.
But sometimes that means that I don't make new experiences because my time is taken up with re-doing the old ones. For example, I have several new books that I could read in my spare time, but I am using it on Harry Potter.
I am really excited about teaching this semester. It's my second time doing Child Development and I feel like I've got my head wrapped around it a little better this time. Which should make me a better teacher.
I function better with order imposed on my life. This semester, my only obligations with specific time commitments are my classes and office hours. I may need to get someone to impose some more time commitments on me.
I like to buy books in sets. If I get one of a series in paperback, then I like to get the rest of the series in paperback with the same design. Makes things feel complete.
Once I carved out a space half the driveway wide and one car length long for my roommate's return from a trip after a heavy snowfall. My shoulders and arms were sore as all get-out the next day, but I was so proud of myself and my visible accomplishment.
The neighbors are taking care of the driveway this winter, but I have placed the responsibility of keeping the front porch clear for the postal workers on my own shoulders.

There. I have submitted 23 things about me for your perusal and, I hope, approval.

jan12

2009-01-12T16:34:00.001-05:00

jan12
Originally uploaded by pigstubs

I took a day trip to L.L. Bean with my friend Lucy. We both had things to return. After shopping, we got some chowder for lunch, tried to get some chocolates (the shop was closed. boo.), and then drove home. Good conversation, good music, good food, good friend.

1. The big boot!
2. Lucy and me in the bubble thing where you can look fish in the face.
3. Fuzzy picture of the fish.
4. The salt really built up on the car since it snowed this morning and yesterday.
5. Happy L.L. Bean bags in the back seat.
6. Construction going on (sort of) at one of the toll booths.
7. Sign.
8. Paying a toll. I can't believe that guy wasn't wearing some kind of gloves.

jan11

2009-01-11T16:34:00.001-05:00

jan11
Originally uploaded by pigstubs

My dad introduced me to Moleskines a few years ago.
Since 2006, I have had an unbroken line of Moleskines. I usually have at least two going at once. I'm on my third year of large size daily planners that I use as journals, not planners. Right now, I have one daily planner/journal, one weekly planner (horizontal + notes) that I actually use as a planner, and one red lined notebook that I use to take notes at church and such.

I really like how sleek and uncluttered they are. I love how many varieties they come in. I love the elastic band they come with that so firmly keep them closed. I love the smooth feeling of the cover and the pages.

I'm a member of this flickr group, Moleskinerie. Most of the members use their moleskines for art. Not being that kind of artist, I just use mine for words, but not being an author or a poet, just personal journal-ish words, lists, schedules and the like.

So basically, I feel like I am using the journal of Van Gogh, Picasso, and Hemingway to write trivialities, but that won't stop me from using them!

January Goals

2009-01-08T17:26:00.003-05:00

Write draft of motivation section of proposal
Buy NO more clothes
Continue with Project365
Continue with BibleYear
Try 3 new recipes (first one tonight, have ingredients for second)
Go to the gym at least 9 times (3x a week for remaining 3 weeks)

Made of strong stuff

2009-01-06T12:24:00.001-05:00

jan6
Originally uploaded by pigstubs

There's this really cool group on flickr called Utata. The people that are most active in the group are really serious about photography. Someone presents a Salon every Sunday on a different photographer, the editorial staff chooses a photo every weekday to feature and write about, and challenges are presented for anyone to participate in.

One type of challenge is called Iron Photographer. These challenges are posted every couple of weeks or so, and always include three elements. As far as I can tell, two of the elements are objects you must include in the photo and one is a technical aspect to the photograph. The goal is to incorporate all three elements into a good picture. I've participated in a few before, but I kind of just slapped them together as soon as I thought of something. Many of the Utatans put a lot of thought, time, and effort into their submissions, and the results are highly creative and of high quality. It is really cool to look at how other people interpret some of the challenges.

The most recent Iron Photographer challenge, #65, included a button-having shirt, something you would find at a child's birthday party, and square format.

This is the first Iron Photographer that I have participated in because I had a good idea of what I wanted to do before I decided to do it. Before, I decided to participate and then had to come up with a way to incorporate the 3 elements. I knew that I had this wonderful shirt that had buttons, I knew that I had some leftover Happy Birthday napkins and a tablecloth somewhere, and I thought a good way to combine them was to have someone eagerly awaiting the delivery of birthday cake at a party. I have some medium format cameras that I could use to have a square format originally, but then I'd have to wait for the film to be developed, and I don't think those cameras work with my tripod. So I used my new camera (Fujifilm Finepix J10. I really like it.) and then Picnik to crop the photo to a square.

Done, and done!

losing track

2009-01-02T10:51:00.004-05:00

C.S. Lewis, I am 99.9% confident, was the guy who said that perhaps the reason we lose track of time is because we were made for a place outside of time. I re-read the Chronicles of Narnia in 2008, and I always found myself crying because of the beauty and simplicity of the way he explained things like prayer - or the Narnian equivalent of them - so that children could understand them. Apparently my granddaddy was like that. I wish I could have talked to him more now that I'm older...

Over Christmas break, I started reading the Wrinkle in Time series by Madeline L'Engle. I've read the first four of the quintet now. The children in these stories tesser - they jump across space and/or time. They sing with the stars, talk to angels, they witness the creation of the world. And these books are getting better as I go along. I'm about to start the 5th one now, and since I stayed up till 3am to finish _Many_Waters_ and it was so good. I shed a tear or two at the beauty of it. If I had been willing to pause long enough to reach for a pen, I would have underlined so much of the last few chapters. Anyway, good books. Read them.

Since I got home from home for Christmas break (do I need a post about how I refer to Florence as home when I'm in Dover and vice versa when I'm vice versa?), I've been losing track of which home I'm in. I'll be drowsy downstairs and think "yeah, it's time to go up to bed" but the bed I'm thinking of is the little twin bed in Florence and not the nice big queen bed in Dover. I'll be doing my nails in Dover and think I'm doing my nails in Florence. Sometimes I'll even start to talk to my mom...This morning when I was in that half-awake state of being, I thought I was in Florence and my roommate downstairs in Dover was my mom AND my dad (talented girl, huh?) doing their morning thing in Florence. Basically, if my mind is elsewhere (half asleep, half awake, focusing on creating perfectly rounded fingernails, etc.) I have the ability to lose track of space.

So apparently, I'm not created for space or time.

Maybe?

Cheesy reflections on the past year post

2009-01-01T17:14:00.002-05:00

previously mentioned desk.
Originally uploaded by pigstubs

This past year I discovered more about my preferences and thus, myself (see previous post on the internet).
I found my perfect watch.
I found my perfect everyday shoes.
I got a macbook and love it.
I fell in love with an old pentax 35mm camera.
I found my perfect earrings and then lost one.

I started wearing makeup on days other than weddings, and found some I can apply all by myself!

I got a haircut and some product that makes my hair look grown up.

I fell even more in love with my fake niece.
I realized that I don't really like some of the furniture that I picked out 4 years ago.
I now know that I feel best in my home when it is regularly cleaned.
I also feel best in a home that is lived in. I do not need to have everything put away and cleared out to be comfortable.

So my pleasantly cluttered desk is an extension of me. I present it for your examination. What do you learn about me from it?

Belated card

2008-12-26T13:01:00.001-05:00

Belated
Originally uploaded by pigstubs.

fuji

2008-12-23T16:46:00.003-05:00

I picked up my camera again for the first time in a while yesterday. I took lots of pictures, and it was good.

I missed it. And I didn't quite realize it till then.

The act of creating something brings rest to me somehow.

I like learning things about myself. Sometimes the revelations are difficult to take in, but even ones about the things I wish I could hide or cut out is good after I reconcile myself to them.

Creepy? or Creative?

2008-12-19T23:38:00.004-05:00

I had a discussion tonight with my Mom. She doesn't understand why anyone would want to put personal information about themselves out on the internet where just anyone could read. When told about privacy settings and the like, she doesn't understand why anyone would put personal information about themselves out on the internet for acquaintances or new friends to read. Her philosophy seems to be, if you wouldn't say it to someone's face when you first meet them, why put it out there?

So I've been thinking about it.

I told her that part of the appeal, I suspect, for young people is that it helps you define yourself: "Ok, so what DO I like to do? I need to fill in this box, what is important to me?"

(or, at the very least, it helps you to define the part of yourself that you want others to see. I know that I have tried to think of the most indie of my favorite musical artists to throw into my 'favorite music' section. I wouldn't dare mention that I think Justin Timberlake is rather catchy sometimes...) And as the diversity in this world comes closer and closer to everyone's fingertips through modern technology, all the choice can be debilitating, overwhelming. Adolescent development fascinates me, and I think that my psychology colleague is onto something when he says that personality is expressed through popular culture preferences. So, About Me sections and profiles pages are really an exercise in exploration and commitment of different personalities. Developmental psychologists think these are good things.

Also, I made the argument that just because something CAN be misused, or used for bad purposes, doesn't mean that you shouldn't ever use it. If that were the case, then don't eat chocolate, ride in airplanes, or talk to boys. You cannot live your life in a cave. You cannot protect yourself from every evil and still develop completely.

But still, these points do not answer the question, why do it?

Why not take personality tests privately, make lists of your favorite movies in a notebook and share it only with your best of friends? Why not use the internet purely for direct communication with people you actually know?

I think that we were made to live in community and in relation with other people. God made Adam, and then said "it is not good for man to be alone." I think that we are made with a longing to reach out and connect with those around us. And if I have no one in the same room with me, I know that thousands of you out there are still up and relatable, even when my family is asleep or on the other side of the country. When my friends all go out of town on the same weekend, I can connect with you through facebook. or blogging. or twitter. or livejournal. or flickr. I can form some kind of relationship, however fragile, with another actual human being because I am willing to put a bit of myself out there on the internet for just anyone to read.

What do you think?

packing

2008-12-15T14:48:00.003-05:00

If I could pack a week and a half early, I would.

I like to be prepared. I want to know what I'll be doing on my trips, insofar as it would affect my wardrobe, in advance so that I can make sure I have appropriate clothes. I want to know what other things I should have with me (computer, meds, running clothes, books, etc.) so that I will not be lacking any thing.

I make lists, I add to them, I check things off when I pack.

I like to be prepared.

In recent years (read: since I moved to NH) this list-making and preparedness has served the purpose of helping me not over-pack. Flying from NH to AL involves at least 2 flights. Having the smallest amount of luggage possible to heave around the airport, or rely on baggage handlers to transfer, should make my day easier. And since I'm prone to throwing anything and everything and 2 extra outfits in, list-making helps me whittle down my selections.

So if I packed early, I could edit what I will need.

I think another reason I want to pack early is because it might somehow magically make the travel date arrive early. Wouldn't it be great if tomorrow and not Thursday was the day I could be at home with my parents and sisters and a decorated house? Maybe if I'm packed, time will speed up!

2008-12-11T10:59:00.005-05:00

I love reading. I like escaping into the stories of other people's imaginations. I typically only read fiction. The escape doesn't seem to work as well if it's nonfiction. And I love mysteries. There is a definite end to the story when the clever detective uses "the little gray cells" to catch the crook and put him/her away. I'm impressed by the mental acuity of the good guys, and sometimes even the planning of the bad guys. And then when I finish reading, I marvel at the author's ability to weave it all together.

This is the mystery I am currently, supposedly, reading. It is a mystery novel featuring my favorite couple, Lord Peter Wimsey and Harriet Vane Wimsey, created by Dorothy L. Sayers. I recently re-read all of Sayer's mysteries that featured the couple, and enjoyed them immensely. Sayers died before she could finish all the Lord Peter/Harriet stories that she had planned, so her descendants asked Walsh to finish two of them. This is the second. It takes place during World War II in England. And I just can't get into it.

Maybe it's because I get the feeling that I have read it before (I was convinced that I hadn't), maybe it's because the mystery I read before the Lord Peter series also took place in London during World War II, maybe it's just because I'm finally burnt out on mysteries...whatever the reason, I don't seem to want to read this one.

So since I already own several books that I have yet to read, I thought I'd get some input into what to start next. Here are your options:

I have been wanting to re-read the Harry Potter series. (Ok, so technically this doesn't fit in my criteria of 'haven't read yet. but this is my list, so I can ignore my own rules...) So I could start with HP#1.
I also have the boxed set of the Wrinkle in Time series, which I have never read, but when I told my sister and brother-in-law that I was tempted to get it just because I loved the cover/box design, they told me I MUST get it and MUST read them, post haste. They also got a set for any future children they may have, which will be named something creative like Blakey Axel. So, I could start that series. And since they were written for children, I should be able to get through them easily.
Or, I could pick and choose short stories from the Best American Non-required Reading 2008. I got the 2007 version for Spring Break last year and read it cover to cover. Cool idea. They have a Best American for pretty much everything these days. If you don't like Non-required Reading, maybe you'll like Sports Writing or Spiritual Writing, or Mystery Writing. (ooh! Mysteries!)

So. Those are the options.

What do you think?

forgetful

2008-12-09T09:21:00.004-05:00

I have seasonal amnesia.

Every year, in the midst of winter and early spring, I forget how HOT it gets in New Hampshire summers. And then the heat comes, and the humidity comes, and the doors swell in our apartment, and the ceiling fans and open windows and closed blinds don't seem to help, and I sweat in my sleep, and I am taken by surprise. I have to dig out my window unit a/c, like a Southern wuss who is used to central air conditioning, and I have to bite my tongue when I want to complain about the lack of that wonderful invention here in the North.

Every year, in the midst of summer and early autumn, I forget how very COLD it gets in New Hampshire winters. And then the first snowfall comes, and the first sub-zero windchill comes, and the wind comes, and it's completely dark at 5pm, and I am taken by surprise. I have to re-learn how to dress myself for the cold, and I question my past claims of "Oh yeah, I could totally live here for good. I'm getting used to the winters."

death

2008-12-07T22:01:00.007-05:00

I've been trying to memorize Romans 8 with a friend of mine lately.

For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.

Romans 8:5-6

Something happened to me this weekend that got me thinking about these two verses. The what is not so important, but the thoughts that came from it are.

I could act upon my desires, desires which are perfectly good and right when responded to in the right context, but to do so would make a bit of my soul die. Acting on God-given desires in a fleshly way is to deny that the God-given way of acting on them is not worth it. or viable. or good. or best.

It would kill a bit of me to deny the best way. I would have to suppress the part of me that wants to do good to act this way. Of course, to suppress the part of me that wants to be fleshly is also to kill that part of me...but it's good part to kill. It's the part of me that will die anyway.

So. I could probably say all of this better when I'm not so tired, but such is life. I am tired now. I have time now.

sharing

2008-12-02T09:57:00.003-05:00

I LOVE THE OFFICE.

Probably because of the whole Jim/Pam slowly budding romance - I get emotionally invested in tv shows. And also, it's funny. It makes me laugh even as I cringe. And the Jim on Dwight pranks are sometimes just so perfect (i.e. the fax from the future).

Regardless of why, I. love. the office.

I have found that there is a moment from The Office that relates to almost any real-life moment. I am constantly interjecting "Oh! That's like that time on The Office when..." into conversations. I have learned to ignore the eye-rolls.

I also LOVE sharing the things I love with others. I am a firm believer that humans are made to exist in community, in fellowship, with other humans. So I love it when my friends love the things I love. The joy of watching The Office is enhanced when I can watch it, or at least talk about it, with other people. It strengthens the bonds between us, however superficially, and may even bring nuances of the show to the attention of either party.

All this to say that I'm quite excited that some friends of mine have been bitten by The Office bug and are devouring the episodes as quickly as their busy lives allow. Looking forward to some great, hilarious conversations!

hello?

2008-12-01T21:32:00.002-05:00

One of my lj friends wrote a RIP post. Another lj friend agreed.

So I guess I'll be exploring blogger more now.

I might change the title though.

My complaint.

2006-12-05T00:54:00.000-05:00

I'm horny. I'm lonely.
Tonight, more than anything, I want to be held. I want to be held close by someone who loves me. But I'd settle for someone who just wants to hold me.

I'm angry that I'm stuck in a system that grants me my feelings and desires as good, but will not let me fulfill them. I am frustrated and lonely and stiff from never completely relaxing.
I hate bedtime now because it means that I have to go up to my ill-proportioned room to get in my big bed all alone and try to quiet my thoughts long enough to sleep. It does not come easily.

And I feel stuck in this system because I know that if I stray from it, I will not be satisfied. I may feel better for a little while, but it does me no good in the long run. I know that to be fulfilled I must wait for the man who will be worth it. And I haven't found him yet. I'm tired of waiting, but I don't want to settle. Not really.

So I answer my own complaint, but I am not fulfilled.

confession

2006-07-28T23:38:00.000-04:00

I had a dream the other night that I was making out with Jim Halpert. It was very nice and I'm not ashamed.

I was a little at first (He's a TV character for crying out loud!), but a friend of mine gave me permission to have my little crush with his very reasoned words.
james sayeth, "if he's anything like his character, it would probably be fun
and really sweet at the same time
sincere or something"

Jim Halpert is hilarious, clever, sweet, flawed (does pick on Dwight an awful lot...), and has an excellent grin. I swoon.
And he's devoted to Pam, the girl of his dreams. And I swoon some more.
I want someone like him.

I really should find a flesh and blood boy to make out with, but till then, I'll just have my little crush on Jim. :)

grumbly

2006-07-19T23:11:00.000-04:00

I like food.

I like preparing it, cooking it, and definitely eating it.

Sometimes, like now, when it's too hot to turn on the oven, I really like going out to eat.

This summer though, I don't have the money to go out to eat, except for the occasional mexican pizza or hamburger and fries.

Sad, cause it totally doesn't compare to a breakfast burrito and sweet fries, or a good lamb curry.

confession

2006-06-26T18:25:00.000-04:00

I am a slut.
I am a hypocrite.
I don’t do what I say I will.
I do what I say I won’t.
I gossip, I judge upon sight, and I waste.
I sell myself short.

My heart is full of stones.

everything

2006-06-03T00:28:00.000-04:00

Tonight I watched Pride and Prejudice with some girlfriends. We were talking about how dances back then were so exciting because it was the only time you got to touch anyone of the opposite sex. That must have been so hard!

I've always loved that moment when Darcy helps Lizzy into the carriage and flexes his hand. It's HOT. And then at the end, when they talk in the field as the sun is rising and they don't kiss, all they do is touch noses...

It may seem odd, but I think that might have been enough for them. It may have even been too much.

Sometimes when my ex would kiss me, it wouldn't be a particularly passionate kiss, but it would be SO good. I would feel like I was going to explode. It was amazing. I have never felt anything like that before. I wasn't expecting it, and it took me by surprise - took my breath away.

For Darcy and Elizabeth, finally being able to be together, to say that they loved each other, to be able to touch each other...I'm sure it took their breath away. It may have been so overwhelming that to kiss would have made them explode.
So touching noses, touching hands and foreheads...finally being that close to the one you love..must feel like everything.

from last year

2006-05-08T16:33:00.000-04:00

I wrote this on a folder in an airplane during the holiday season of 2004. I can't remember if I was going home for Thanksgiving or Christmas.

The lights on the tips of the wings flash brightly in the black, black night. Little dashes of white blaze across my view out the tiny window, like static on a television or something electronic. I realize that it is raining.
We pull through the clouds and I see the points of light that comprize a city. too small to be Huntsville.

So many times I am near the wing of a plane. Now I am on top of it. The Exit Row. Can I understand and speak English and assist in the case of an emergency? I wonder what kind of emergency would leave me alive and this part of the plane available for exit. The sign on the wall/door/window says that the emergency door weighs 31 lbs. Even I could move that in an emergency. Right?

Turbulence. Lurches. My stomach protests.

It's been a long time since those tacos at lunch and the chips in the car.

whipped

2006-05-03T23:41:00.000-04:00

You know when Jesus drove the merchants out of the temple?
John says that he made his own whip.
I wonder what it looked like when he was making that thing...
was he muttering under his breath?
was he perfectly calm?
was he talking to his disciples about how the whole thing was just wrong?

It seems like these things could tell us a lot about what Jesus was like. But they're not included. I guess when you tell a story, you bring in what was most important to you. What was most memorable to you. And other things were more important and/or memorable to them.
So maybe they should be more important to me.

In other news, I wish I could play the guitar.

moral dilemma

2006-04-06T18:39:00.000-04:00

Is it bad to hope for death for someone else? One of the side effects
of modern medicine is that people live long enough to become a burden
to their families. My grandmother, for instance. She has had several
strokes, so she can't verbalize complete sentences anymore. She has
fallen and broken her arm in such a way that the doctors can't really
do anything about it, because there is no place to put a pin because
she had her shoulder replaced (several times) already. She is too
frail to go under anesthesia, so they can't opperate. She doesn't want
to use her insurance money to live in an assisted care place because
she shouldn't have to do that. Everyone else in the world should, but
not my grandmother. So, she's in pain, she's unable to care for
herself in so many ways, she is difficult to deal with anyway, and my
Aunt is the one bearing the brunt of it. And she is my Aunt
through marriage! I just feel like things would be better for everyone
involved if Grandmother would just get to go home. She would get a new
body, get to be with her husband, and my Aunt could focus on her family
and her health. Maybe this is ageist of me, but is what Grandmother
is doing really living? I'm glad I'm not God. I don't know enough, or
maybe even love enough, to make those decisions.

automatic pilot

2006-03-04T15:41:00.000-05:00

When I'm in distress, whether it be stress or confusion or unhappiness, sometimes I find it hard to function. I get so wrapped up in my thoughts, in my continuous replay of what happened that I can't focus on anything else. The necessities of life go to automatic pilot.

Other times, I simply can't think. I can't identify individual thoughts in my head. The path is too twisted, too complicated, to intertwined between my life and others'.

Sometimes I choose not to think because the thoughts would be too distressing - I go into denial, in a way.

Today feels like a mix of the second two. I feel like I need to think - to sort things through - but I can't pin down exactly what to focus on. I'm not even sure I want to think about it. I have too much real stuff to think about anyway.

Yeah, relationships - and their ending - are messy.
Even more so when they involve a friend.
And the inability (both literal and figural) to remove yourself from the mess.

a metaphor

2006-02-24T14:35:00.000-05:00

Healing from emotional wounds is knitting.
You make progress - you get better - you go forward a loop or two.
But then you fall back.
But the falling back isn't pointless.
It isn't always masochistic.
The thread must move backward to fix the forward loops in place.
It's reinforcing the design.
And in the end, after many, many, forward-backward iterations, you have something good.
A scarf.
A sweater.
A hat.
A baby blanket.
A whole.

one of those weird 'I'm-not-fully-awake' moments

2006-02-20T07:23:00.000-05:00

In my benadryl-induced haze as I was waking up this morning, I remembered something my ex had done. Some words he had spoken that I had to get over, get around, get past.
And I could see the action frozen in time. A frame. A square. I tried to walk around it - to avoid it on one side so that I could get to the other side and move on with my life. And as I got to a different perspective on it, I could see that it was three dimensional. It was a prism-like solid, deeper in the middle than on the ends. It was bigger than I thought. I could see it rotating on some central axis like in computer imaging programs. I tried to keep walking. I kept bumping into it. It kept getting in my way. I never got around it.
It was frustrating.
If I had been more fully awake, I might have cried.
But if I had been more fully awake, it might not have happened.

uring

2006-02-19T20:27:00.000-05:00

When my parents first got married, they knew a lady who tried very hard to be proper in her speech. She never said runnin' or fixin' - always running. fixing. She was SO proper that she would add a 'g' to the end of all words that ended in 'in' - regardless of weather she should or not.
This produced such gems as:

muffing
robing
uring

It was all my parents could do not to laugh.

Tonight, I saw a guy walking his dog along the streets of Dover. Some contentious citizen had already placed their trash out on the curb for pick-up in the morning. The bright green bag with the Dover city seal was a good enough target for the dog, and apparently it was also good enough for the guy.

In the morning, some poor trash man will have to pick up that bag covered in frozen dog uring.

pain

2006-02-17T11:04:00.002-05:00

I can understand cutters now.

Emotional pain is hard to deal with. When it's really bad, there's no banged toe to hold, no aching back to massage, no headache to avoid light and loud noises for the sake of.
There's just this non-localized, pervasive, almost unbearable pain. You can't touch it or make it go away by what you do.
Being able to say, "I cut my finger. My finger hurts." helps. It is comforting.
Especially when you can say "My finger hurts because I cut it."
Emotional pain is not always clearly defined or caused or understandable. It can leave you confused and hurting even more.

As a psychology student, I had heard about this reasoning, and I realized that it made sense, but now I can relate. Empathy is much easier. Understanding is easier.

Hearing the wind rush around my protruding room while the boards in this old house creak is comforting.

baby belt

2006-02-02T22:49:00.000-05:00

When I was young, I had a belt.
This belt was special. It was made of an elastic band with the word 'jeans' written all the way around. Even better, the buckle was...

a magnet.

I loved that belt. I was just learning to read when I was wearing it, so I took pride in the fact that I could tell that it said 'jeans' all the way around and imprinted on the buckle. I liked to bring the magnet close to the metal and feel the tug of magnetic force as they got closer and closer together. I liked to stretch it when i wasn't wearing it. I'm pretty sure I frequently wanted to wear it with the rainbow suspenders with the yellow, button-like clips.
But most of all, I was proud of myself for figuring out, all on my own, that 'jeans' had to be upside down for me so that other people could read 'jeans' when they looked at my little pot-bellied waist. That way, I knew which way to put it on in the morning.

Mommy's big girl.
I'm sure she was very proud.

A year or two ago, I found the magnet jeans belt at home. I like belts now, (I guess it was the excellent experience with them in my childhood that paved the way), and I have quite a collection. But, of course, there's always room for one more. So...I stretched out the elastic and continue to wear the belt to this day.
Always careful to make sure you don't have to flip your head upside down to read.

for the sake of posting again

2006-01-30T11:58:00.000-05:00

Yesterday when I woke up, I could see, through the curtains, that the sky was red. All I could think about was Legolas saying "A red dawn rises. Blood has been spilt this night." in that breathy voice.
A pox upon you Orlando Bloom! You and your hypnotic, hideous voice!

Earlier, I was washing my hands and looking at myself in the mirror (yes, I'm narcissistic like that), and I realized that I had one eyebrow raised!!! I've never been able to do that before! Not without my fingers, at least. But as soon as I realized what was going on, I lost it. Couldn't get it back.
Weird.

I got some little oil lamps from a friend for Christmas. I finally got the funnel out and filled them up yesterday. I lit them, they burned, and it was nice. But then the smoke detector went off, and it wasn't. So I blew them out. I'm going to have to find a better place for them.

Murphy, the neighbor/landlord's dog, likes to bark at me. When I'm INSIDE MY OWN HOUSE! My room and the bathroom are on the back of the house, so whenever I'm in either of those rooms and he's in the back yard, he can sense my presence with his doggy-senses and he barks at me. Sometimes, it deteriorates into a little sneeze of a bark. It's fun. :(

And now, I should go do actual work. The Defense is coming sooner than I think.

i wish i were a poet

2005-11-04T20:05:00.000-05:00

if i were a poet, i could describe to you the way the blanket of clouds looked as i flew over new england, or the way the clouds looked through the part as the sun illuminated them from below.
if i were a poet, i could show you, in words, how the colors melted from navy through green and yellow to burning orange and shades of red.
if i were a poet, i could map out cities in golden lights that shine through the darkness at thirty thousand feet.
if i were a poet, i could tell you about how my granddaddy didn't smile as he lay there. that can't be my granddaddy.
if i were a poet, i could play for you a recording of my uncle's unchanging laugh or my father's seldom-heard sobs.
if i were a poet, i could impart the peace that i felt as we drove across flat, dark west texas and i could see the milky way and 6 falling stars.
if i were a poet, i could grow for you the water lilies that my granddaddy cultivated in arid texas that were given to us in memoriam.
if i were a poet, i could make you sit through the ride home with the awkwardness that you alone created.
if i were a poet, i could tell better stories.

chief

2005-08-20T20:31:00.001-04:00

Could the presence of a Best Buy be a sign of a "developed" nation?
It's full of things that you don't "need" or can't afford if you're poor.
I know it's a big temptation of mine...all those movies and cd's and ipod accessories and digital cameras and printers and computers and big screen tvs...

things i can totally live without and, yet, seem to snatch up (the smaller items anyway...) like they're food!

I recently decided to sponsor a child through World Vision. This will take $35 from me a month. When I think about it on my summer paycheck, it seems like a lot...but then I just went and spent $25 on dvds!!!

I told myself that I would watch how I spent my money so that I could put my Brazilian child first...

people are selfish.
Americans are selfish.

and I am their chief

thoughts on leaving bible study

2005-08-16T23:22:00.000-04:00

i am really amazed at how, once God brings something to my attention, he continues to do so over and over again.

i am really, for once, actually humbled at the opportunity to be a part of his work. i am so excited about what is happening in the life of my friend.

i'm starting to get annoyed at one of my friends in the study. it's not that she says things that i belive are untrue, it's the way she says them. it's basically my problem. i just feel like she drones on and on when she wants to make a point. and her manner seems forced somehow. and tonight, she prayed and prayed and prayed...
i found it odd because recently we had discussed the passage that talks about letting our words be few before God...sigh. i'm just easily annoyed i guess. and arrogant. i feel bad about saying anything to anyone here, and i'm not mentioning names, and i don't think anyone even reads this...so i can get it out without all the ..whatever.

short story idea

2005-07-28T14:33:00.000-04:00

she could already tell that this was going to be an awkward day.

the beginning was ok. same as it ever was. she reflexively turned off the alarm, made her bed, and went to get a shower.

it was only during the after-shower routine that she realized that it was going to be an awkward day. none of her clothes looked right. they all made her feel dumpy - too big around the middle. she was, in all actuality, a small girl. she knew this. but no matter how many combinations of shirts, skirts, pants, capris she tried, nothing felt right.
and then there was her hair. it was volumnous in the wrong places. the ends were getting big and the roots flat. everyone knows it's supposed to be volume in the roots and straight and calm at the ends.
*sigh*
she finished her routine, settling on the 'fat' jeans and one of her cutest tees, hoping that these would help her feel better. nothing special was happening today, the outfit would do, though it sort of felt wrong to use her favorite clothes on a day when she didn't feel it.

she looked in the cabinets for breakfast. nothing looked right. she was running late. this meant no time for poaching an egg or sitting with a cold bowl of cereal. she decided to stop and get a doughnut on her way to campus.

so, making these concessions to her mood, she left home - gritting her teeth to the awkwardness she knew would trail after her all day.

this happened from time to time. she could never figure out why these days happened, what triggered them. most days she was fine. no feeling in particular. and on some days she was super confident...hair, clothes, attitude, job, school, all seemed to click. and while she enjoyed those days, she was wary of becoming too confident - cocky. she never wanted to be one of those girls.
she defined the awkward days as the days when she was very aware. aware of the fact that her hair was doing that funny wave thing. aware that she probably looked like she was scowling to everyone that passed by. aware that her walk felt - and probably looked - stilted. formal. and once she noticed one of these things, or countless others, the rest would follow. she would get to class and realize that her writing was incredibly loud, that she moved around in her seat much more than anyone else or that she sniffed with every third breath.
and with all of this awareness came awkwardness. awkward like a colt looks. like young Hercules in the Disney movie.

------------------------------

if things kept up like this, she would probably get too frustrated at traffic or something stupid like that and shead a tear or two as she pounded the steering wheel and screamed.
all in the privacy of her own car - of course. it would be FAR too awkward to do any of this in front of someone else.

(but that's the thing, isn't it? she felt awkward because she felt different. that she had a different body type than most of the people out there. that her hair looked different, that her walk looked different. and because life doesn't go the way we think it SHOULD, we feel conspicuous. afraid of the thoughts of our peers, which we think are there because we know our own thoughts, the way we think about our awkward peers. kind of hypocritical, isn't it?)

sisters

2005-07-26T15:29:00.000-04:00

i did not consider myself cool until i spent a few years away from home at college.
whenever i go back home, or spend time with my sisters, i feel far less cool. more awkward. annoying. i feel like i revert.

one sister just exploded into awesomeness in the past few years...so by comparison, i feel like a poser.

the other sister has a very short temper, so i feel like i'm annoying when i'm around her.

i know a lot of it is in my head. and i don't know what to do about it.

celebrity sighting?

2005-07-09T15:21:00.000-04:00

once i thought i saw stephen baldwin.
it was in the huntsville airport. he was sitting at a terminal on the phone. sitting up very straight. looking. slightly smiling.

i didn't want to stare, so i'm still not completely sure that it was him.
if it was him...what was he doing in huntsville, alabama?

him

2005-07-09T12:11:00.000-04:00

in my dream, he was there. i caught a glimpse of him, but then he was hidden behind someone's head. at such an angle and distance that i couldn't move to see him.
i was frustrated. but a friend was crying, and i had to comfort her.

Han

2005-07-07T14:48:00.000-04:00

In the West Wing episode 'Han' Josh is talking to Amy about what's going on between them.
and as much as I hope for Josh and Donna to get together, my romantic little heart melts at his voice. at that time, he really wanted Amy. and it makes me sad. and...

i long for that, i guess.

doing the dishes

2005-07-04T18:44:00.000-04:00

i'm starting to like washing dishes more.
this is surprising to me. it used to be a chore that my sisters and i had to do every once in a while.
then it was unnecessary because i had a dishwasher. so i could just throw (almost) everything in there.

but now that i've moved, i don't have a dishwasher anymore.
my sink has a faucet that can go from regular flow to sprayer. so that's neat.
also, we have a soap pump! that's nice. no rings from the bottom of the soap bottle. no soap bottle out in the open, getting gunky and looking not-so-nice...
so dishwashing isn't too bad. i usually do it at night. with the window open. no noise in the house...
it's actually rather relaxing.

why

2005-07-02T11:58:00.000-04:00

so i created this blog to have a secret place to put all the things that i don't want to put in my other online journal. but i haven't put anything that's really secret yet. and yet i continue to keep this blogger 'my secret place.'

i have to ask myself why i did this.

i like the format of blogger a bit better.
i like new things.
i like starting over.
i thought i had secrets to tell.

turns out i don't.
but i think i'll keep this.
so i'll have a secret.
seems like there's nothing else in my life that is secret.
which is not necessarially a bad thing. i like people. i like sharing my life with people. but having a place where there is no chance at judgement, no one to dissagree with me, no one to give me a funny look, no reason to worry about what he/she is thinking about me when we're out in public...now that he/she KNOWS...

and there are some excellent blogs out there that i wouldn't have known about without this.

music

2005-06-24T23:36:00.000-04:00

some albums are inextricably linked in my mind to certain seasons, situations, or moods.

true, some music can create its own mood.

jamie cullum and damien rice will always, always be linked in my mind to fall in new hampshire.

coldplay is linked to bubble baths.

keane is linked to winter. snow.

yo-yo ma will forever be linked to the west wing...ever since that episode where josh had ptsd.

some songs are linked to vampy, a camp that i've been involved with for several years now.
for example, anything by 'they might be giants'
the big butts song
it's the end of the world as we know it
drops of jupiter

to be continued...

kisses

2005-05-31T21:29:00.000-04:00

in less than 3 months i will be 24.
as of today, i have not been kissed.
on the lips.
a real kiss.
ever.

i can't believe it.
sometimes it just hits me. and i wonder how i got here.

i don't regret it really.

maybe i can regret not opening myself up more - to more possibilities for love, for example.
but looking back, none of those guys would have been right for me.

and now, the kiss, has become such a big thing in my mind that now i can't just go kiss anyone. not, really that i'm like that...i'm just saying that it would have to be someone really, really, really special.

i feel alone.

planners

2005-05-18T23:02:00.000-04:00

i love getting new planners.

the pristine pages. the whole year laid out before you with so much opportunity.

i'm ready to get a new one.

i don't know that the 2005-2006 ones would be out yet.

*sigh*

anticipation....

clothes

2005-05-17T19:10:00.000-04:00

when i was in middle/early high school, i loved the weekends. i would put on colorful socks, (differently) colorful nylon shorts, and this button down shirt that had a huge, fall colored plaid pattern. my sister was mildly ashamed to be seen with me around the neighborhood.

to school, i would wear red pants and a striped shirt.
i was my own woman. i had a fashion sense all of my own.

altered a bit in college. relied mostly on cute little tshirts and jeans. occasionally, i would throw on a crazy shirt with some nice pants. i loved tshirts and skirts in the summer.

now, my style has condensed a bit into what i really like, and what i think will fly around the department.
i have these great little red flats that i wear with everything. I have brown pants with really wide legs that are quickly becoming a staple of my wardrobe. in the winter, i wear lots of layers of bright colors. collared shirts and ties with a tissue t over it. i have a little blue tweed blazer that i also wear with everything. i still wear skirts and random shirts and flip flops in the summer.

recently, i was shopping for a new shirt while i was wearing those big legged brown pants. the shirt was one of those spagetti strapped, tight at the top, frilly at the bottom shirts. i showed my friend how the shirt really looks good with the pants and even with a tight little jacket on top.
my friend, who i wouldn't really think of as a conservative dresser, was amazed at my outfit. she thought it was really cute, but basically didnt' think she could pull it off.

the last few years, i've been getting these comments a lot. i don't understand. why do some people - a lot of people - don't think they could "pull off" certain things? i understand about body shape and certain colors on certain people...but i don't understand why some people automatically assume that certain clothes aren't for them.

i know that clothes are supposed to be an expression of a person's individuality, but why don't people think they can wear the clothes they like?

ruby slippers

2005-05-14T23:52:00.000-04:00

i have these little red flats that i wear to the office a lot. one of the professors has taken to calling me dorothy and asking me if i'm going to start clicking my heels together and go back to kansas.

tonight i got some flowers at the grocery store. the bouquet was called 'ruby slippers.'

REAL name

2005-05-14T10:17:00.000-04:00

i'm watching X2 right now, and Eric Lensherr/Magneto was talking to one of the kids...

Magneto: What's your name?
Kid: John
Magneto: What's your real name, John?
*pause*
John: Pyro

one of the most fascinating things to me about heaven is the fact that we will get a stone on it with our real name on it.

To him who overcomes, I will give some of the hidden manna. I will also give him a white stone with a new name written on it, known only to him who receives it. (Revelation 2:17)

it's fascinating to me because so many times i don't feel like i'm being myself. i'm not being all i could be, i'm not being true to myself.
and since our names are related to who we are, especially in some other cultures, my new name will help me discover who i was truly made to be.

in x2, the mutants were not allowed to be themselves when they were living at home. they had to go by the name their parents gave them and hide their gifts. but when they discover their gifts and how best to use them, they get a name based on their gifts. a name that tells more about who they really are.

i wonder what my name will be.

secret, secret

2005-05-12T19:34:00.000-04:00

look at this:

ever since i saw this, i've been thinking about what i could contribute. the rules say that it has to be something you've never told anyone. i think i've told at least one person all of my secrets.
i'll have to see what i can come up with.

it would definitely be fun to do a collage for it.

sexuality

2005-05-12T19:26:00.000-04:00

People ask straight girls/guys who they'd go gay for.

do homosexuals ever get asked who they'd go straight for?

just curious.

rant

2005-05-12T15:16:00.000-04:00

i'm a graduate student. i should enjoy, or at least tolerate, research.

i don't.

i really just want to be a teacher. of college students. people who, supposedly, actually want to be there. i need a phd to do that, so here i am.

one of my TA assignments is to do some research. for a project that isn't mine. and, like always, i have procrastinated on it. she needs it tomorrow, and i just started looking today. i'm such a slacker. i may appear to have it all together, but when it counts, i slack off.

anyway, i don't know how to find information on this one topic i'm supposed to be researching. i can't use my normal database because it's just psychology stuff. i need crime reporting information. so i can't just look in the psych databases. but when i use the broad one, i get newspaper articles, and the new yorker magazine articles...nothing i can use. when i do see something good...it's from AUSTRALIA or the UK!!! now, those countries are, i'm sure, wonderful. nothing against them. i just don't need reported crime stats from them right now.

i'm really just mad at myself.
and my lack of research skills.

i think it's time to go work on something else.

bed

2005-05-12T08:53:00.000-04:00

"Bad habits are like a comfortable bed, easy to get into, but hard to get out of."

it was so hard to get out of bed this morning. it has been warmer (yay spring!) so i turned the heat completely off in my apt. i didn't get too hot or too cold, i have freshly shaven legs and a big bed to stretch out in.
*sigh*

but the semester isn't quite over. i have research to do and a paper to write. and i have today and a few hours tomorrow to do this.
and i have to get an allergy shot.
wooooo....

photos

2005-05-11T23:29:00.000-04:00

i have a pic that i took of myself from a side mirror on a car. a friend just told me that it makes me look self-consciously cool. as in, i know i'm cool.
i'm always interested in pics of myself.
sometimes my nose scrunches up, and i think it looks like a beak. so i tried not to do that for this particular pic. apparently i was too relaxed.
and usually, i'm the one behind the camera, so i just don't have that many pics of myself.
i'm really fond of candid shots. i really like seeing people as they are naturally. but you can't do that to yourself.
and usually when other people try to get me candidly, i'm aware of the camera in the room, and i can see the that a pic is about to happen, so it's never truly candid.

speaking of pics...here's one of the stuff that is finally all gone. and i'm glad.

'ello

2005-05-11T22:56:00.000-04:00

welcome to my new blog. i'm not going to advertize this one, so if you stumble across it, welcome!