I don't have grand ambitions. I don't want to be a well-known researcher, win lots of awards, and be a revered professor. I don't want to be President or Senator or Representative at any level of the system. I don't want a recording contract or a major book deal. I don't want to show up in magazines and have everyone know my name.
I just want a husband. I want to love and be loved. To have children and raise them to love and be loved. I want a quiet, content life.
I know that there are many, many people who love me and who I love. But they have their own families, their own significant others, their own vacations and jobs and lives. My life intersects with theirs at certain points and for certain times, but there is no one who is mine and whose I am. So none of that seems to count.
And tonight, as the tears stream down my face and my hands shake sometimes from all this raw emotion, it's all I want. It seems like all I need to get through another day. And I don't have it.
14 comments:
I'm posting this anonymously for reasons that will soon become obvious.
I have known you for a while now and at some point came up with the idea that you are the only person I know that I could see myself settling down with and marrying. I don't know when this idea occurred to me, and I certainly don't know why. I do know that with each passing day, and as I get to know you better, I become much more comfortable with the idea.
You are a very amazing person, and I know that even if I never act on my feelings, I know someone will and that you'll be incredibly happy as a result. I know it is difficult to do, but just give it time.
Hi.
How long have I known you?
No, no clues that would lead you to figuring it out. I will have to reveal my identity by myself, maybe by showing up on your doorstep and asking you out to dinner with the possibility of a lifetime together to follow.
But I have known you long enough to feel I really know who you are, long enough to feel comfortable with the realization, and long enough to know that it isn't going away.
The only reason I announced my feelings was how horrible I felt when I read that you felt alone and without a partner, and were so upset and crying about it.
ok, anonymous. you sound like a darling, so as long as you're not a cyberstalker, i would please ask you to make yourself known to my friend RAR in some way. even if you are afraid your feelings won't be reciprocated, RAR deserve someone who will fight for her love. my two cents. :-)
Ok, Mr. Anon,
If you were to show up on my doorstep and ask me to dinner etc. would a plane ticket come in handy?
And a word of warning before you do so: I have no idea who you are. So going from no idea to dinner and marriage would be super creepy. I would need some idea of who you are before I could be as comfortable as you are.
Also, have you been watching "You've Got Mail" recently?
Dear Anon:
I think wanting someone and never making a real move is lame and only leads to regrets. I have set up an anonymous email you can use to contact my sister. You can even change the password as soon as you get it. Let me know how I can get you the username and password for the account.
Good luck to both sides.
The other R.
I certainly understand the creepiness of springing something like that on you unannounced. We are good enough friends, however, that I firmly believe we'd both enjoy dinner, even with the craziness of my possible delusions. Perhaps that would be the best plan of action: not announce myself as Mr. Anonymous, but rather just invite you to dinner and let things proceed as they may.
As far as Gina's comment goes, hopefully the correct opportunity will present itself in the future. I still have bits of my life that I need to work through right now, and therefore am not in a position to unmask myself just yet. I just ask RAR to be patient with me. I do understand though, if I wait to long and miss my opportunity because someone else swoops in.
"I still have bits of my life that I need to work through right now, and therefore am not in a position to unmask myself just yet."
My reaction: Oh no, he's going through a divorce!
or,
he's playing the Tom Hanks/You've Got Mail role very seriously.
Just a quick note - I rented and watched "You've Got Mail" today.
I had not seen it in years. I think Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan should do another movie soon.
Ok, Mr. A.
*Why did you choose to respond to my sadness with a half-assed declaration of ... whatever? (You have never mentioned the L word, you do not say that you WANT to marry me, only that you could see yourself doing so.)
It does not make me feel better. It confuses, irritates, and annoys me. If you truly want to do something about your feelings, then DO SOMETHING. Don't hide behind the anonymity of the internet and offer words that mean nothing without action behind them. I have said for a while now that I only want to be with someone who wants me enough to DO SOMETHING about it.
So until you are him, please leave me alone.
So Mr. A...it's been 6 months now. Any movement on the unmasking issues?
None yet.
All in good time.
I just had a sudden realization that you could be a woman.
So if that's the case, sorry Ms. Anon.
No apologies needed.
If anything I should be apologizing to you. Your sister was right, not making a move before is lame. I will let you in on one clue, just to help excuse the delay. There is some significant geographic distance right now and that adds to the difficulty.
Not really an excuse, I know, but I guess I had been hoping for something more romantic than a phone call saying "Hi Rachel, I like you." I do not know. I know that I plan on acting on these feelings at some point, I just do not know when or how. I also know that I would like for it to be soon.
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