I wrote these thoughts down at work today which I may or may not revise at a later time::

What am I willing to give up to get a Ph.D.?

Time with friends?

Time online?

Time @church?

sleep?

tv/movies?

So far, the answer has been: nothing. I do not want the Ph.D. enough to sacrifice these other things.

So why am I here? I do like to teach. I feel comfortable when I teach. I slip into it so easily. I lose track of time and m problems. I feel like it is one of those things I was made to do.

But I am not made to do the Ph.D.. I am able to do it, technically. I have the intelligence, skills and resources to get it done. Just not the desire or willpower. And not having it done and not wanting to work on it rather makes me miserable.

I didn't count the cost very well before coming here, but do I regret it?

My experiences here have formed me into the person I am now. And I like that person - the vast majority of the time. I'm not perfect, but I am comfortable & happy with who I've become. and the potential for who I have become.

I have made the best friends of my life here. Not some of. THE. BEST. And I don't think I would have met them otherwise.

I have also gotten teaching experience & support. I am not sure I can do justice to the sigh of relief I felt when I started teaching. All through high school and college I had this niggling thought that I was meant for something & I hadn't found it yet. I had no idea where to go next, what to aim for. And my college advisor helped me uncover my love of teaching and sent me to someone else who helped me aim for UNH & a career teaching college. Once I started, I felt way more fulfilled in who I am.

So no, I don't regret the major steps that have brought me here.

Wants and needs

I am so dissatisfied with my life right now. I'm so jealous of where other people are and what they have. And I don't know how to change any of it.

I don't have grand ambitions. I don't want to be a well-known researcher, win lots of awards, and be a revered professor. I don't want to be President or Senator or Representative at any level of the system. I don't want a recording contract or a major book deal. I don't want to show up in magazines and have everyone know my name.

I just want a husband. I want to love and be loved. To have children and raise them to love and be loved. I want a quiet, content life.

I know that there are many, many people who love me and who I love. But they have their own families, their own significant others, their own vacations and jobs and lives. My life intersects with theirs at certain points and for certain times, but there is no one who is mine and whose I am. So none of that seems to count.

And tonight, as the tears stream down my face and my hands shake sometimes from all this raw emotion, it's all I want. It seems like all I need to get through another day. And I don't have it.

Ah, spring...

Sometimes, I am reminded very suddenly that I am single. 

When I am occupied, when I am busy, when I am doing something, life is good. Dating vs. single doesn't matter. My life is good. I am fine.

But then something simple will distract me and remind me of what I'm missing out on.

And my stomach will drop 3 floors down.  Into a space that doesn't even exist. 

Tiller

George Tiller's murder saddens and disgusts me.

I mourn. 

I mourn that a man was killed.  I mourn that he was killed in his church - a place associated by many with safety and refuge.

I mourn that this murder will only serve to polarize the views of the majority of the people who hear about it.

I mourn that so much that brings grief is done in the name of God - my God.  So much that I think is antithetical to His Name and word.

I am disgusted that so many are rejoicing at his death. I am disgusted at the crass, vulgar, inhumane, and hateful way they show their "love" of life.

I am disgusted that this event will give ammunition to those who despise those they label as anti-choice.

I can understand the passion that both sides of the abortion issue hold.  I do not understand the violence that takes place as a result of this disagreement.

And that's all that I can put words to tonight.

May tomorrow bring grace. 

(His mercies are new every morning)

May tomorrow bring peace and gentle, respectful conversation.

Two lists

What I would like to do with the rest of my day:

• Make and eat mini-place-and-bake-cookies, because they are nom nom good.
• Watch 'Dial M for Murder,' which came from Netflix.
• Watch 'Wall*E,' which I bought for cheap the other day.
• Finish "Girl Meets God," which was a gift from a friend and I am half-way through.
• Eat a delicious meal prepared by other hands, which I cannot afford right now.

What I should do with the rest of my day:

• Clean the toilet.
• Put away the dishes I just washed when they dry.
• Decipher my adviser's handwriting and make changes to the proposal chapter I finally got back from her.
• Change my address with a few remaining agencies/publications.

List #1 would be more fun.

List #2 would be more grown-up.

*sigh*

on torture

One of the gifts my parents gave me was the fact that they meant what they said. When they said bring up your grades or you'll be punished, they meant it. I didn't bring up my History grade, and so I was punished.  When they said "I love you," I knew they meant it.

Stephen Colbert says that he won't let his kids watch his show so that when he tells them that he loves them, they won't think he's being sarcastic. (See this interview at 3 minutes in.) To me, it's the same principle, and it's a very important gift to give your children.

As an adult, I want people to mean what they say. I use sarcasm sometimes, and I may even fall back on it too often, but I hope that the people in my life believe me when I say the important, and even not too important things. 

I want justice to be upheld. I want to know that the law has power. I want to know that the justice system will work for me, my parents, my sisters, my future children, and everyone I love. I want to know that when a law, and its corresponding punishment, is written, voted on, and enacted, it has power. It means what it says. 

"Here is what you should do.

Here is what will happen if you don't."

"Here is what you should not do. 

Here is what will happen if you do."

This is why I believe that those that ordered, authorized, and justified torture should be investigated, prosecuted, and punished if found guilty. 

Because if those laws, agreements, conventions, and standards of decency do not mean what they say for those at the highest levels of our government and military, then they have no meaning for the rest of us. 

And I am not OK with that. 

(To say nothing of the fact that I am not OK with torture at all. )

I want to live in a country in which it is possible to be an idealist, and not to have to resort to defeatism and disillusionment.

and now...

I can't sleep for fear/in anticipation of a re-run of last night's dream.

frick.

I've got Dumbledore running through my head - "It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live."

Of course, it could be caffeine. But that seems too easy of an explanation. 

last night

In my dream, he was in charge of organizing a fireworks display.
While he was telling me about how they wanted a 2 hour show, the fireworks company could only do an hour and a half, and how many people they were expecting, and about the busses to bring people from their cars to the waterfront, I suddenly realized that my arm was draped around his neck and his hand was holding mine, and oh, his hands are soft, and my, it feels nice to be pulled against his side like this, and those butterflies in my stomach get agitated when he looks at me like this, and why don't I just rest my head on his arm, and yes, even though this is a dream, that sounds JUST LIKE his voice.

oh no. 

this is only a dream. 

rewind. play.

rewind. play.

rewind. play.

rewind. play. 

soak in every detail. revel in this feeling, for you will wake up to an empty house and the memory of the boy who held your hand, in a dream.

(I'm pretty good at emo, huh?)

Shopping List

I filled out a rental application for the beautiful big girl apartment I really want today.

I am 99% sure I will get it. 

I am EXCITED!!

So I'm making a shopping list for things I will need/want for the new place:

• 2 Large Rubbermaid containers for the basement, which is apparently kind of damp
  
• wet jet solution for hardwood floors
• laundry detergent for efficient washing machines, which my generous mother is getting me!
• window treatments
• welcome mat
• shower mat
• kitchen trash can
• sweater storage
• winter coat storage (maybe a stand alone closet for the basement?)

I'M SO EXCITED!

Design

Last night's dream had my subconscious turn me into a research designer, librarian, manager of a cubicle farm, writer for Gossip Girl, set designer, prom committee chair, lesbian, summer camp director, creator of new species of strawberries that grow underwater (gross!), and book cover designer.

The book cover was so vivid that I feel like I should produce it for some future author that wants to write a book called 'Petites.'  It would be an exposé of the lives of teenage socialites. (Why one would want to write this book I'm not sure. Isn't that why we have Us Weekly and the like?)

It's a simple cover. Black background. Vertical stripes - very thin, bright rainbow colors. The title and author info are printed in the middle. (A block of the stripes is cut out.) The text is white, very delicate, and in something like Futura font. But thinner. Lighter. Delicate-er. There is significant space between the letters, and they are all in caps - the title anyway. I don't remember the (fictional) author's name.

So there you have it. Someone with design programs could probably pop that out easily. And I would be attracted to that cover. So. I might buy that book. Because, let's face it. I judge books (partially) based on their covers.

Easter!

Easter is coming!

So some friends of mine have made their top ten Easter traditions posts. 

Easter was never a HUGE deal with my family growing up - we didn't do Easter baskets or find eggs on Easter morning, but I'll see what I can do to knock out my own list (in no particular order).

1. Starburst jellybeans. So delicious. So juicy.
2. White straw (i think) hats. We had a couple of Easter hats when I was little. I remember one Easter when I got to wear my favorite dress (a white one with smocking my mom made me) and one of the hats. I was very excited. There's a slide (as in sit around the projector and look at slides together) of the three of us in hats and our pretty dresses.  This was during my super-girly phase. There might even have been gloves.
3. Choir specials. The church I grew up in and the one I spent most of college going to had pretty darn good choirs.  My senior year in college, in particular, the choir music was SO AMAZING. It lifted me right out of my seat. I love a good choir special.
4. The beginning of Spring. I appreciate the timing of Easter so much more now that I live in New England and cannot see the ground for the 4 months leading up to Easter.  I love the color green, that it represents life, and that it reappears at Easter time. 
5. Coloring eggs. For many of my elementary school years, we would go to Knoxville to visit Grandma and Grandpa for Easter.  We would color eggs, hide them in the den, find them, and then repeat the process over and over.  After a while, we got my aunt and uncle to hide the eggs because we were using the same hiding places over and over and it was getting too easy. To this day, the smell of vinegar reminds me of coloring eggs.
6. Shevenell home group Easter day. My home group is the core of my New Hampshire family. My first Easter in grad school, they invited me to join the four of them for Easter dinner. It felt so much like home - nerd parents and two little sisters, one more talkative than the other. The following years it has turned into a gigantic pot-luck, followed by desserts galore, quick nap/rest time, family walk, game time, and then home group meeting. We celebrate Easter ALL DAY LONG!
7. Oooh! Children's choir. My current church usually has a children's choir on Easter Sunday. All the adorable little kids in their Easter best, belting out songs about Jesus. SO CUTE. (Gina, please tell me Louisa will participate in a few years!)
8. Lent. This year I actually participated in Lent - to a degree. It was my first Lenten experience. I know that some people don't believe that we should mourn Christ's death when he is risen, and I can see the reasoning behind that.  So my Lent practices were not to make me suffer or mourn, but more to help me be aware of things that I know I should think about, but normally don't.  It's kind of an attention-getter for me. And I think it was good for me.  It's nice to have a special time to do the things you always mean to do, but somehow don't always get to.  Like saying 'I love you' on Valentine's Day. You always mean it, but sometimes forget to say it because the cares of life get in the way.
9. Cadbury eggs.  I am not a huge fan anymore, but this was the one way my mom would celebrate Easter (commercially) when we were little and WOW I enjoyed them then. So messy.  (Halloween is marked with candy corn and candy pumpkins, Christmas with red & green m&m's and Dove promises. Daddy gets us Whitman Sampler hearts for V Day.) 
10. Pastel m&m's. They DO have little bunnies printed on them. 

Candy sure does seem important for my celebration of major holidays. Also, I'm running out of ideas. Like I said, Easter wasn't a huge momentous thing for us growing up. Not like Christmas is. I'll do a top 20 list for Christmas. :)

things I have accomplished today:

1. Got up when the alarm went off (ish)
2. Started work at 9am
3. Sudoku
4. Crossword puzzle
5. Laundry
6. Meeting
7. Gym
8. Put 3 articles into my chapter (!!!)
9. Ate some leftovers

And I hate to leave it at 9 things, but that's all I've got. 

And it's only 7:17!!

Enterprise

There is a city in southeastern Alabama named Enterprise. Back in the day, the economic/agricultural livelihood of the city was from cotton, like a good bit of Alabama. Then one year the Boll Weevil came to town. And ate all the cotton.

In response to this devastation, the people of Enterprise decided to switch their main crop over to peanuts. And everyone lived happily ever after. 

Especially the boll weevil, who got a statue made in his honor. 

See?

I went to school at Auburn University. At Auburn, Homecoming is a BIG DEAL. Pretty much everything to do with football is.

The ladies that want to be homecoming queen go through (what I consider to be) a trying ordeal.  They spend the week leading up to the vote walking around in a dress suit, surrounded by a posse (who are all also wearing suits), soliciting votes.  They design cards to win votes, and these are actually highly sought after because they have coupons to local restaurants on the back. They also make a giant version of the cards and prop them up in trucks and park them downtown all week (apparently the ticket ladies respect this sacred tradition).  All this craziness and I never cared.

Until...

2002 when Amy Beth Hulsey (Biomedical Sciences major)* ran. She was from Enterprise. Her card was pink. I don't particularly care for the shade of pink she used. So I was even less likely to vote for her.  But then I read her slogan. 

"Vote for Amy Beth! She's Unbollweevable!!"

I was sold. I think that was the only time I voted for Homecoming Queen. 

She won, of course.

---------------------------

*I think this is the right one. I couldn't find a chronological listing to triple check.

Also, this post is dedicated to Gina Henker. 

Purge

I am planning on moving in about 2 months. 

I don't have a place lined up, because apparently that's not how they do things up here. You look, you sign a lease, and move in all in one week. Or something like that.

I'm really looking forward to this move. Really.

I can't wait to make a cozy home for myself. Just for me! No compromises, no awkward dance over how to load the dishwasher, no putting up with someone else's art or taste in music.

I am also really excited to purge my belongings of the things that I don't need or even really want. And to organize the things I want to or should keep. 

Really excited. 

I'm somewhat of a pack-rat/magpie.  I keep things around for a while, and I tend to compulsively buy 'shiny' things. But lately I have been thinking about simplicity. I have been craving simplicity. 

I want simplicity because I want to have a comfortable home with a place for everything, and everything in its place. And since I want a one bedroom apartment, and I'm a graduate student, that place will be small. I want to have what I need and no more. 

I want to HAVE simplicity - to carry it around with me - because I want to have the freedom to say no when I face the temptation to buy the newest cleaning phenomenon, that same shirt in 5 different colors, another purse, or the trinkets that somehow make it into my shopping cart.  

I want to be free from my possessions. I want order.

Thus, the purge. Eliminate what I don't need. Organize what I do.

Because really, it comes down to trust. Do I trust that God will provide for what I need? Or do I think that I need to get it all for myself? Instead of holding onto things and grabbing for whatever catches my eye, I should be clinging to God and reaching out for His riches.  When I do that, I get the best of both worlds - spiritual glory and earthly necessities.

Goals check-in

What-ho!

Given that it is half way through March, I thought this would be as good a time as any to check in on my February goals...

They were:

Finish Harry Potter #5
Project365 & BibleYear
Try 3 new recipes
Run at least 12 times
Don't buy any CD's, mp3's, DVD's or books

I have now completed all of the Harry Potters, so that goal = check.

I have continued with my two every-day-for-a-year goals, so check.

I lose track of which recipes I tried when, but I have definitely been cooking for myself more than I did in 2008. I'm going to call this one a check.

I got a cold and got lazy so I have NOT been exercising much. So that goal = blarg

I didn't buy any new media! Not even since March started! so that one = check.

I didn't make any new goals for March. I was lost in other things at the time, I guess.

I did, however, make some commitments for Lent this year.  I grew up in a Southern Baptist church. I don't know if all SB churches do it this way, but ours never mentioned Lent. So my exposure to that part of the church calendar has been relatively recent.

For some reason, I felt compelled to observe Lent somehow this year, and I was thinking about what that should look like for me when my pastor gave a sermon on the historical reasons and components of Lent.

According to my pastor, Lent should include three things: 

• Almsgiving (giving to poor)
• Prayer
• Fasting
  

So with that guide, and the ideas and themes that I had been musing over, I plotted out a roadmap for my observation of Lent.  Also according to my pastor, Lent is to be between each person and God. So while I have told a close friend or two about my commitments to hold me accountable, I haven't broadcast my goals, and I don't want to here either. But I do want to say that I have been contemplating simplicity in a materialistic society this year.  If you have any insights on living so that your camel could make it through the needle's eye here and now, I would love to hear them!

Comment away!