i wish i were a poet

if i were a poet, i could describe to you the way the blanket of clouds looked as i flew over new england, or the way the clouds looked through the part as the sun illuminated them from below.
if i were a poet, i could show you, in words, how the colors melted from navy through green and yellow to burning orange and shades of red.
if i were a poet, i could map out cities in golden lights that shine through the darkness at thirty thousand feet.
if i were a poet, i could tell you about how my granddaddy didn't smile as he lay there. that can't be my granddaddy.
if i were a poet, i could play for you a recording of my uncle's unchanging laugh or my father's seldom-heard sobs.
if i were a poet, i could impart the peace that i felt as we drove across flat, dark west texas and i could see the milky way and 6 falling stars.
if i were a poet, i could grow for you the water lilies that my granddaddy cultivated in arid texas that were given to us in memoriam.
if i were a poet, i could make you sit through the ride home with the awkwardness that you alone created.
if i were a poet, i could tell better stories.

chief

Could the presence of a Best Buy be a sign of a "developed" nation?
It's full of things that you don't "need" or can't afford if you're poor.
I know it's a big temptation of mine...all those movies and cd's and ipod accessories and digital cameras and printers and computers and big screen tvs...

things i can totally live without and, yet, seem to snatch up (the smaller items anyway...) like they're food!

I recently decided to sponsor a child through World Vision. This will take $35 from me a month. When I think about it on my summer paycheck, it seems like a lot...but then I just went and spent $25 on dvds!!!

I told myself that I would watch how I spent my money so that I could put my Brazilian child first...



people are selfish.
Americans are selfish.

and I am their chief

thoughts on leaving bible study

i am really amazed at how, once God brings something to my attention, he continues to do so over and over again.

i am really, for once, actually humbled at the opportunity to be a part of his work. i am so excited about what is happening in the life of my friend.

i'm starting to get annoyed at one of my friends in the study. it's not that she says things that i belive are untrue, it's the way she says them. it's basically my problem. i just feel like she drones on and on when she wants to make a point. and her manner seems forced somehow. and tonight, she prayed and prayed and prayed...
i found it odd because recently we had discussed the passage that talks about letting our words be few before God...sigh. i'm just easily annoyed i guess. and arrogant. i feel bad about saying anything to anyone here, and i'm not mentioning names, and i don't think anyone even reads this...so i can get it out without all the ..whatever.

short story idea

she could already tell that this was going to be an awkward day.

the beginning was ok. same as it ever was. she reflexively turned off the alarm, made her bed, and went to get a shower.

it was only during the after-shower routine that she realized that it was going to be an awkward day. none of her clothes looked right. they all made her feel dumpy - too big around the middle. she was, in all actuality, a small girl. she knew this. but no matter how many combinations of shirts, skirts, pants, capris she tried, nothing felt right.
and then there was her hair. it was volumnous in the wrong places. the ends were getting big and the roots flat. everyone knows it's supposed to be volume in the roots and straight and calm at the ends.
*sigh*
she finished her routine, settling on the 'fat' jeans and one of her cutest tees, hoping that these would help her feel better. nothing special was happening today, the outfit would do, though it sort of felt wrong to use her favorite clothes on a day when she didn't feel it.

she looked in the cabinets for breakfast. nothing looked right. she was running late. this meant no time for poaching an egg or sitting with a cold bowl of cereal. she decided to stop and get a doughnut on her way to campus.

so, making these concessions to her mood, she left home - gritting her teeth to the awkwardness she knew would trail after her all day.

this happened from time to time. she could never figure out why these days happened, what triggered them. most days she was fine. no feeling in particular. and on some days she was super confident...hair, clothes, attitude, job, school, all seemed to click. and while she enjoyed those days, she was wary of becoming too confident - cocky. she never wanted to be one of those girls.
she defined the awkward days as the days when she was very aware. aware of the fact that her hair was doing that funny wave thing. aware that she probably looked like she was scowling to everyone that passed by. aware that her walk felt - and probably looked - stilted. formal. and once she noticed one of these things, or countless others, the rest would follow. she would get to class and realize that her writing was incredibly loud, that she moved around in her seat much more than anyone else or that she sniffed with every third breath.
and with all of this awareness came awkwardness. awkward like a colt looks. like young Hercules in the Disney movie.

------------------------------

if things kept up like this, she would probably get too frustrated at traffic or something stupid like that and shead a tear or two as she pounded the steering wheel and screamed.
all in the privacy of her own car - of course. it would be FAR too awkward to do any of this in front of someone else.

(but that's the thing, isn't it? she felt awkward because she felt different. that she had a different body type than most of the people out there. that her hair looked different, that her walk looked different. and because life doesn't go the way we think it SHOULD, we feel conspicuous. afraid of the thoughts of our peers, which we think are there because we know our own thoughts, the way we think about our awkward peers. kind of hypocritical, isn't it?)

sisters

i did not consider myself cool until i spent a few years away from home at college.
whenever i go back home, or spend time with my sisters, i feel far less cool. more awkward. annoying. i feel like i revert.

one sister just exploded into awesomeness in the past few years...so by comparison, i feel like a poser.

the other sister has a very short temper, so i feel like i'm annoying when i'm around her.

i know a lot of it is in my head. and i don't know what to do about it.

celebrity sighting?

once i thought i saw stephen baldwin.
it was in the huntsville airport. he was sitting at a terminal on the phone. sitting up very straight. looking. slightly smiling.

i didn't want to stare, so i'm still not completely sure that it was him.
if it was him...what was he doing in huntsville, alabama?

him

in my dream, he was there. i caught a glimpse of him, but then he was hidden behind someone's head. at such an angle and distance that i couldn't move to see him.
i was frustrated. but a friend was crying, and i had to comfort her.

Han

In the West Wing episode 'Han' Josh is talking to Amy about what's going on between them.
and as much as I hope for Josh and Donna to get together, my romantic little heart melts at his voice. at that time, he really wanted Amy. and it makes me sad. and...

i long for that, i guess.

doing the dishes

i'm starting to like washing dishes more.
this is surprising to me. it used to be a chore that my sisters and i had to do every once in a while.
then it was unnecessary because i had a dishwasher. so i could just throw (almost) everything in there.

but now that i've moved, i don't have a dishwasher anymore.
my sink has a faucet that can go from regular flow to sprayer. so that's neat.
also, we have a soap pump! that's nice. no rings from the bottom of the soap bottle. no soap bottle out in the open, getting gunky and looking not-so-nice...
so dishwashing isn't too bad. i usually do it at night. with the window open. no noise in the house...
it's actually rather relaxing.

why

so i created this blog to have a secret place to put all the things that i don't want to put in my other online journal. but i haven't put anything that's really secret yet. and yet i continue to keep this blogger 'my secret place.'

i have to ask myself why i did this.

i like the format of blogger a bit better.
i like new things.
i like starting over.
i thought i had secrets to tell.


turns out i don't.
but i think i'll keep this.
so i'll have a secret.
seems like there's nothing else in my life that is secret.
which is not necessarially a bad thing. i like people. i like sharing my life with people. but having a place where there is no chance at judgement, no one to dissagree with me, no one to give me a funny look, no reason to worry about what he/she is thinking about me when we're out in public...now that he/she KNOWS...


and there are some excellent blogs out there that i wouldn't have known about without this.

music

some albums are inextricably linked in my mind to certain seasons, situations, or moods.

true, some music can create its own mood.

jamie cullum and damien rice will always, always be linked in my mind to fall in new hampshire.

coldplay is linked to bubble baths.

keane is linked to winter. snow.

yo-yo ma will forever be linked to the west wing...ever since that episode where josh had ptsd.

some songs are linked to vampy, a camp that i've been involved with for several years now.
for example, anything by 'they might be giants'
the big butts song
it's the end of the world as we know it
drops of jupiter



to be continued...

kisses

in less than 3 months i will be 24.
as of today, i have not been kissed.
on the lips.
a real kiss.
ever.

i can't believe it.
sometimes it just hits me. and i wonder how i got here.

i don't regret it really.

maybe i can regret not opening myself up more - to more possibilities for love, for example.
but looking back, none of those guys would have been right for me.

and now, the kiss, has become such a big thing in my mind that now i can't just go kiss anyone. not, really that i'm like that...i'm just saying that it would have to be someone really, really, really special.




i feel alone.

planners

i love getting new planners.

the pristine pages. the whole year laid out before you with so much opportunity.

i'm ready to get a new one.

i don't know that the 2005-2006 ones would be out yet.

*sigh*

anticipation....

clothes

when i was in middle/early high school, i loved the weekends. i would put on colorful socks, (differently) colorful nylon shorts, and this button down shirt that had a huge, fall colored plaid pattern. my sister was mildly ashamed to be seen with me around the neighborhood.

to school, i would wear red pants and a striped shirt.
i was my own woman. i had a fashion sense all of my own.

altered a bit in college. relied mostly on cute little tshirts and jeans. occasionally, i would throw on a crazy shirt with some nice pants. i loved tshirts and skirts in the summer.

now, my style has condensed a bit into what i really like, and what i think will fly around the department.
i have these great little red flats that i wear with everything. I have brown pants with really wide legs that are quickly becoming a staple of my wardrobe. in the winter, i wear lots of layers of bright colors. collared shirts and ties with a tissue t over it. i have a little blue tweed blazer that i also wear with everything. i still wear skirts and random shirts and flip flops in the summer.

recently, i was shopping for a new shirt while i was wearing those big legged brown pants. the shirt was one of those spagetti strapped, tight at the top, frilly at the bottom shirts. i showed my friend how the shirt really looks good with the pants and even with a tight little jacket on top.
my friend, who i wouldn't really think of as a conservative dresser, was amazed at my outfit. she thought it was really cute, but basically didnt' think she could pull it off.

the last few years, i've been getting these comments a lot. i don't understand. why do some people - a lot of people - don't think they could "pull off" certain things? i understand about body shape and certain colors on certain people...but i don't understand why some people automatically assume that certain clothes aren't for them.

i know that clothes are supposed to be an expression of a person's individuality, but why don't people think they can wear the clothes they like?

ruby slippers

i have these little red flats that i wear to the office a lot. one of the professors has taken to calling me dorothy and asking me if i'm going to start clicking my heels together and go back to kansas.

tonight i got some flowers at the grocery store. the bouquet was called 'ruby slippers.'

REAL name

i'm watching X2 right now, and Eric Lensherr/Magneto was talking to one of the kids...

Magneto: What's your name?
Kid: John
Magneto: What's your real name, John?
*pause*
John: Pyro

one of the most fascinating things to me about heaven is the fact that we will get a stone on it with our real name on it.

To him who overcomes, I will give some of the hidden manna. I will also give him a white stone with a new name written on it, known only to him who receives it. (Revelation 2:17)

it's fascinating to me because so many times i don't feel like i'm being myself. i'm not being all i could be, i'm not being true to myself.
and since our names are related to who we are, especially in some other cultures, my new name will help me discover who i was truly made to be.

in x2, the mutants were not allowed to be themselves when they were living at home. they had to go by the name their parents gave them and hide their gifts. but when they discover their gifts and how best to use them, they get a name based on their gifts. a name that tells more about who they really are.

i wonder what my name will be.

secret, secret

look at this:

ever since i saw this, i've been thinking about what i could contribute. the rules say that it has to be something you've never told anyone. i think i've told at least one person all of my secrets.
i'll have to see what i can come up with.

it would definitely be fun to do a collage for it.

sexuality

People ask straight girls/guys who they'd go gay for.

do homosexuals ever get asked who they'd go straight for?

just curious.

rant

i'm a graduate student. i should enjoy, or at least tolerate, research.

i don't.

i really just want to be a teacher. of college students. people who, supposedly, actually want to be there. i need a phd to do that, so here i am.

one of my TA assignments is to do some research. for a project that isn't mine. and, like always, i have procrastinated on it. she needs it tomorrow, and i just started looking today. i'm such a slacker. i may appear to have it all together, but when it counts, i slack off.

anyway, i don't know how to find information on this one topic i'm supposed to be researching. i can't use my normal database because it's just psychology stuff. i need crime reporting information. so i can't just look in the psych databases. but when i use the broad one, i get newspaper articles, and the new yorker magazine articles...nothing i can use. when i do see something good...it's from AUSTRALIA or the UK!!! now, those countries are, i'm sure, wonderful. nothing against them. i just don't need reported crime stats from them right now.


i'm really just mad at myself.
and my lack of research skills.

i think it's time to go work on something else.

bed

"Bad habits are like a comfortable bed, easy to get into, but hard to get out of."

it was so hard to get out of bed this morning. it has been warmer (yay spring!) so i turned the heat completely off in my apt. i didn't get too hot or too cold, i have freshly shaven legs and a big bed to stretch out in.
*sigh*

but the semester isn't quite over. i have research to do and a paper to write. and i have today and a few hours tomorrow to do this.
and i have to get an allergy shot.
wooooo....

photos

i have a pic that i took of myself from a side mirror on a car. a friend just told me that it makes me look self-consciously cool. as in, i know i'm cool.
i'm always interested in pics of myself.
sometimes my nose scrunches up, and i think it looks like a beak. so i tried not to do that for this particular pic. apparently i was too relaxed.
and usually, i'm the one behind the camera, so i just don't have that many pics of myself.
i'm really fond of candid shots. i really like seeing people as they are naturally. but you can't do that to yourself.
and usually when other people try to get me candidly, i'm aware of the camera in the room, and i can see the that a pic is about to happen, so it's never truly candid.

speaking of pics...here's one of the stuff that is finally all gone. and i'm glad.

'ello

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