short story idea

she could already tell that this was going to be an awkward day.

the beginning was ok. same as it ever was. she reflexively turned off the alarm, made her bed, and went to get a shower.

it was only during the after-shower routine that she realized that it was going to be an awkward day. none of her clothes looked right. they all made her feel dumpy - too big around the middle. she was, in all actuality, a small girl. she knew this. but no matter how many combinations of shirts, skirts, pants, capris she tried, nothing felt right.
and then there was her hair. it was volumnous in the wrong places. the ends were getting big and the roots flat. everyone knows it's supposed to be volume in the roots and straight and calm at the ends.
*sigh*
she finished her routine, settling on the 'fat' jeans and one of her cutest tees, hoping that these would help her feel better. nothing special was happening today, the outfit would do, though it sort of felt wrong to use her favorite clothes on a day when she didn't feel it.

she looked in the cabinets for breakfast. nothing looked right. she was running late. this meant no time for poaching an egg or sitting with a cold bowl of cereal. she decided to stop and get a doughnut on her way to campus.

so, making these concessions to her mood, she left home - gritting her teeth to the awkwardness she knew would trail after her all day.

this happened from time to time. she could never figure out why these days happened, what triggered them. most days she was fine. no feeling in particular. and on some days she was super confident...hair, clothes, attitude, job, school, all seemed to click. and while she enjoyed those days, she was wary of becoming too confident - cocky. she never wanted to be one of those girls.
she defined the awkward days as the days when she was very aware. aware of the fact that her hair was doing that funny wave thing. aware that she probably looked like she was scowling to everyone that passed by. aware that her walk felt - and probably looked - stilted. formal. and once she noticed one of these things, or countless others, the rest would follow. she would get to class and realize that her writing was incredibly loud, that she moved around in her seat much more than anyone else or that she sniffed with every third breath.
and with all of this awareness came awkwardness. awkward like a colt looks. like young Hercules in the Disney movie.

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if things kept up like this, she would probably get too frustrated at traffic or something stupid like that and shead a tear or two as she pounded the steering wheel and screamed.
all in the privacy of her own car - of course. it would be FAR too awkward to do any of this in front of someone else.

(but that's the thing, isn't it? she felt awkward because she felt different. that she had a different body type than most of the people out there. that her hair looked different, that her walk looked different. and because life doesn't go the way we think it SHOULD, we feel conspicuous. afraid of the thoughts of our peers, which we think are there because we know our own thoughts, the way we think about our awkward peers. kind of hypocritical, isn't it?)

sisters

i did not consider myself cool until i spent a few years away from home at college.
whenever i go back home, or spend time with my sisters, i feel far less cool. more awkward. annoying. i feel like i revert.

one sister just exploded into awesomeness in the past few years...so by comparison, i feel like a poser.

the other sister has a very short temper, so i feel like i'm annoying when i'm around her.

i know a lot of it is in my head. and i don't know what to do about it.

celebrity sighting?

once i thought i saw stephen baldwin.
it was in the huntsville airport. he was sitting at a terminal on the phone. sitting up very straight. looking. slightly smiling.

i didn't want to stare, so i'm still not completely sure that it was him.
if it was him...what was he doing in huntsville, alabama?

him

in my dream, he was there. i caught a glimpse of him, but then he was hidden behind someone's head. at such an angle and distance that i couldn't move to see him.
i was frustrated. but a friend was crying, and i had to comfort her.

Han

In the West Wing episode 'Han' Josh is talking to Amy about what's going on between them.
and as much as I hope for Josh and Donna to get together, my romantic little heart melts at his voice. at that time, he really wanted Amy. and it makes me sad. and...

i long for that, i guess.

doing the dishes

i'm starting to like washing dishes more.
this is surprising to me. it used to be a chore that my sisters and i had to do every once in a while.
then it was unnecessary because i had a dishwasher. so i could just throw (almost) everything in there.

but now that i've moved, i don't have a dishwasher anymore.
my sink has a faucet that can go from regular flow to sprayer. so that's neat.
also, we have a soap pump! that's nice. no rings from the bottom of the soap bottle. no soap bottle out in the open, getting gunky and looking not-so-nice...
so dishwashing isn't too bad. i usually do it at night. with the window open. no noise in the house...
it's actually rather relaxing.

why

so i created this blog to have a secret place to put all the things that i don't want to put in my other online journal. but i haven't put anything that's really secret yet. and yet i continue to keep this blogger 'my secret place.'

i have to ask myself why i did this.

i like the format of blogger a bit better.
i like new things.
i like starting over.
i thought i had secrets to tell.


turns out i don't.
but i think i'll keep this.
so i'll have a secret.
seems like there's nothing else in my life that is secret.
which is not necessarially a bad thing. i like people. i like sharing my life with people. but having a place where there is no chance at judgement, no one to dissagree with me, no one to give me a funny look, no reason to worry about what he/she is thinking about me when we're out in public...now that he/she KNOWS...


and there are some excellent blogs out there that i wouldn't have known about without this.